Healing Steps: Normalization

One of the things that I have really enjoyed about my healing process after narcissistic abuse is that there is so much healing that takes place without your awareness. I love reflecting back on a situation or something I’ve done and realizing that this is new territory for me, that something has shifted, that things are different!

This week I realized that I have crossed a milestone.in being able to openly talk about the abuse I endured with The Narcissist. I got engaged in a really intelligent and healthy conversation around an NPR article: House OKs Bill Making It Tougher To Keep ‘Mentally Incompetent’ Vets From Buying Guns. Those of you who have read my blog will likely understand that I was concerned with reading this news. I was instantly worried about how this change could impact two forms of violence that are prevalent in combat veterans and veterans with PTSD… suicide and domestic violence. So I very naturally shared my concerns through my personal Facebook page which resulted in a conversation thread with a pro-gun-rights member of my martial arts gym and several of his veteran connections. Within this conversation I very matter-of-factly relayed my experience with a veteran with PTSD, domestic violence, and how glad I was that he never owned a gun during that time period. We all shared our opinions in a healthy and respectful manner and I think the conversation resulted in some new perspectives for all involved (myself included) so.. win-win!

What was really interesting was the realization that hit me completely after the fact. You see, earlier in my healing journey I would have NEVER engaged in this type of conversation in any way that was not anonymous. Early on in my healing journey I was EXTREMELY embarrassed and ashamed about the abuse that I endured… and the idea of having anyone find out about it was horrifying to me. I worried that people would judge me for what I had been through… I thought that they would think less of me or treat me like some sad and pathetic victim.

This mindset slowly started to shift when I started this blog. While the blog is anonymous in nature primarily because I didn’t want The Narcissist to ever be able to claim that I was slandering him or impacting his reputation legally… I also stayed anonymous on a subconscious level because that was the only way that I felt comfortable sharing my story. As I started healing I realized that my blog could also be a healing tool for friends and family members who did not understand what had happened in my relationship with The Narcissist. Sharing the blog with them was an easy way for me to share all of the details without having to relive the emotions of it all within a conversation with them. So I started to share the blog with my sister, my girlfriends, my cousins and it opened up the conversation for all of us to be able to talk about this topic.

From there I started doing more to share my blog on Twitter and engage with content that is relevant to domestic violence and emotional and narcissistic abuse. People within my network started to recommended my blog to others they knew who were dealing with narcissists or abusive relationships… and people started reaching out to me for advice. I was now openly talking with people about the abuse I endured and the things that I did to be able to get out of that relationship and heal from all that I lived through.

Somewhere through that journey I stopped being ashamed of my own story and it became really easy to talk about this topic because I am passionate about it. I went from thinking that I was damaged and broken and being afraid that the fact that I had been abused was some sort of reflection on my own mental health and stability…. to realizing that I freaking survived that shit!!! I am stronger and happier and healthier than I have ever been. I am in no way broken or damaged as a result of anything The Narcissist has done to me… and in so many ways the reflection, the therapy, the work I have been doing has helped me heal things within myself that I likely would have never addressed without these experiences.

My therapist tells me that this process is called Normalization – where you take something that has a stigma or negative response and talk about it so much that the stigma goes away and it becomes ‘normal.’ It’s like you desensitize yourself to it… you work through those emotional triggers and reactions… and somewhere along the way its just your story and its just a normal conversation and it no longer feels scary.

More and more I am finding myself pulled towards educating others about domestic violence and narcissistic abuse, helping others who are still in those situations, and advocating for awareness of these important issues. Who knows where all of this will take me but I have to say that it feels really empowering to realize that I am no longer ashamed of my story.

7 thoughts on “Healing Steps: Normalization

  1. I have had a similar experience through writing about it, and it surprised me how supportive and loving my family and friends were with me once they started reading my blog. I don’t even know what possessed me to “invite” them to my FB page at the time. Maybe I needed them to know where I came from to get to this dark place and divorce after twenty years. I couldn’t talk about it, but I could write it. And it’s the best thing I’ve done to help normalize it all. Keep writing, and sharing your experiences and knowledge. There is always someone out there who needs it, if only to know that they are not alone and it’s not their fault. ❤️

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  2. Me too. I think about so many topics and because I was ‘the other woman’ (you mean not the other other OTHER woman?) I find the first question people ask me is ‘did you know he was married?’

    I find this question puts me in the simplistic ‘too bad so sad/jaded ex lover’ bin or the ‘poor you victim’ bin. It’s especially a trigger for wives because they need to hold on to the false idea that their relationship was somehow more valid because they were married – it’s a sort of cognitive dissonance post-abuse.

    My mother always used to say ‘the way you get them is the way you lose them’ and pretty much that’s the narcissist’s story in a nutshell – the cycle through victims and some victims are chosen for marriage because they are much ‘nicer’ than others.

    We all have one thing in common – the narcissist chose us because we had a susceptibility to abuse. It wasn’t long into trying to embed me that the narcissist realised that he had chosen wrongly and that I was not a super empath, and that having just come out of a 6-year relationship with a man with paraplegia (similar scenario – did you get with him BEFORE the accident or AFTER the accident? – do-gooder vs nutter), I knew something wasn’t right and my surprise and blessed pregnancy to him woke me up to who he really was.

    I am much stronger now and have even started taking my little pieces of revenge as he devalued his son and has never met him. But because his wife told me some crazy ass shit I know that she’s gaslit and I know that she’s ill and I can’t save HER because it’s her journey and as I said, she had a vulnerability for abuse that might include a narc father or whatever – but I do have huge insights from being the other woman that can ease the pain of these women because for a long time there is a cognitive dissonance about losing someone – when if they only knew how the narcissist speaks about them, they would never lower themselves to his (or her) level.

    The other woman (the other vulnerable victim of his profiling, targeting, stalking and mirroring) has had pretty much the same thing that happened to you (differing in severity). Yes, I knew he was married, but don’t you know that we were soul mates? – and don’t you remember the spell you fell under when you thought you’d found your soul mate? It’s a powerful drug, your own beautiful reflection. I almost escaped from the outset – but all these experiences are fate – and having escaped the narc our karma is good to go.

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  3. For the past 10 years, I was dealing with an on and off penpal (email, text, social media, phone, messenger) relationship with what I thought was the most perfect guy a girl could ever ask for. He was never short of his communications. He was often helpful to things I was confused about, available if ever I needed to talk and down right humorous. He was very interesting to say the least. Sweet and very generous.
    From heavy daily texting and a crap load of gifts which blinded me, I found myself picking up on his not so nice, super cold, detached, self absorbed energy. He would have so much joy telling me about how loads of women wanted him but he’d never date any of them. How he is one of a kind. He often bragged to me about how healthy he is and how I needed to be eating healthy as well. He despised me eating sweets and often spoke down on the newer generation… We’d have long debates on certain things such as politics, cars, US economy, poverty, women vs men, my body and working out since I was so thin etc… which often led me into agreeing with his point of view and apologizing to him for even having one. (that’s how I felt)

    I found myself on Google some time a week or 2 ago looking up “a narcissist that spoils you”. And That is how I found your blog. As I scoured through your post learning more and more about narcissistic abuse and “love bombing” I realized one crazy thing… I believe “The Narcissist” that you were married to is the same narcissist who has been manipulating and grooming me for years as well. I am almost 100% certain. At first, I was in denial. I told myself, what are the odds out of millions of blogs, I would come across yours? Especially since he embedded it in my head that he has never been married before. That no one has been worthy of that position. I quickly realized his tactics and how he has been so successful with luring women in.

    There is still a small chance that I am wrong and this is certainly not the narcissist that I know. But my heart is telling me otherwise.

    In 2017 or ’18 or maybe even earlier, I remember him telling me he had to go away for an incident regarding indecent child graphics on his laptop. He told me he is a very nice guy who often allowed people to use his things and that’s how he got in trouble. He said how he is sick of being the nice guy and people using him. He told me about him having to go away to a military boot camp type environment. But not actual jail. Being the empath that I am, I cried because how bad I felt and because I wasn’t able to reach out to him as he sent the message on fb messenger, then immediately blocked me or deactivated his page. My thoughts started to consume me and I would often think, maybe he did put those graphics on his laptop and I’m an idiot for believing that he didn’t. As I read your blog, I found out how his words was a complete lie. Then I realized how many of the things he told me, if not all has been a lie. Lol, I’m laughing because he would often tell me how in my head I was about him. My intuition has never let me down!
    Anyway, I am unsure if this message will even reach you. But I wanted to say how happy I am of you for being able to move on and live again. You give me hope. The narcissist wasn’t the only narcissist I’ve encountered in my life. He knew I was recently In a 5 year relationship with one. I was emotionally stuck and he helped me end that chapter. That’s how he was successfully able to hoover me in this time around. You gave me a stepping stone and confidence to be able to see that the grass is in fact greener on the other side! It will take a lot of time to heal and trust again! But I will eventually get there!
    If ever you find yourself wanting to reach out, don’t hesitate! Hopefully you are able to see my email.
    Thank you for helping us see the red flags and move accordingly. I am so sorry you had to endure such pain and abuse. You are stronger than you think!
    Sorry for such a long drawn out message lol. No need to approve it in your comments! I just hope it reaches you! This was the best way I knew how!

    Thanks again,
    A.S ❤️

    Like

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