Happy Valentine’s Day! ❤
It’s my first Valentine’s day as a single lady in 8 years, which is just crazy!! I’ve been really focused on being positive and healthy and happy and just doing the me thing lately which has been fabulous, but I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t have a brief moment of being bummed out about Valentine’s Day.
The reality is that almost a year out of my marriage to The Narcissist, the thing I struggle with the most is loving myself. I’ve certainly gotten much better at it over these last 10 months but it still takes work, it still takes conscious effort to remember to do it… to remember to not be so hard on myself… to remember to not look for my validation from others but to find it within. It’s constant work, and some days I am better at it than others.
So this weekend, I definitely got a lil bummed out about being alone on Valentine’s Day and started thinking things like: “I’m a freaking great catch, why is it so hard to find someone”, “It would be real freaking nice to be pursued for once versus doing all the pursuing”,”my last attempt at ‘dating’ ended in a spew of mean things being hurled at me because I was too closed off”, “maybe I’m not the catch I think I am”, and then a negative spiral ensued from there. What is different about me today than ever before, is that this time I took all that negative crap that was spinning around in my head and used it as an opportunity to give myself some love versus trying to find it through someone else.
I picked my mopey butt up and went and did some things that made me feel really amazing. I went to the grocery store and bought myself 2 dozen bright pink roses, some yummy cheese and crackers and olives and chocolate, and a nice bottle of red wine. I put those pretty roses on display in the middle of my table, watched a movie and enjoyed my snacks and my own company. I woke up in the morning and went snowshoeing in the middle of a snow storm in the woods for 2 hours. I listened to the quiet and drank in all the scenery and hashed out all the things that were going through my head. I then treated myself to a manicure and a pedicure, and a little bit of shopping. I bought some amazing bath products and went home and soaked in the bath tub until I turned into a raisin. I woke up and started off the work week with positive momentum and positive feelings about myself. I went to therapy and talked about how I am struggling with loving myself… I did brain spotting on the topic for most of my session. I went to the gym and put on the best booty shaking music I could find and practically danced on the elliptical machine for an hour. Then, I got up this morning on Valentine’s Day and got all dressed up in a pink ensemble that makes me feel like a million bucks.
The point here is that I am doing the work, and I am proud of myself for that. I am sure that I could have easily settled for a situation that made me feel a little bit important, a little bit loved, a little bit desired, a little bit good about myself. I could have found anyone to give me some of those things… but I have taken this year to grow those things in myself.
And whenever I am ready to really be with someone else again, it won’t be because I need them to complete me. I will be whole and fulfilled and complete all on my own. ❤