Loving myself has been the hardest part of healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Happy Valentine’s Day! ❤

It’s my first Valentine’s day as a single lady in 8 years, which is just crazy!! I’ve been really focused on being positive and healthy and happy and just doing the me thing lately which has been fabulous, but I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t have a brief moment of being bummed out about Valentine’s Day.

The reality is that almost a year out of my marriage to The Narcissist, the thing I struggle with the most is loving myself. I’ve certainly gotten much better at it over these last 10 months but it still takes work, it still takes conscious effort to remember to do it… to remember to not be so hard on myself… to remember to not look for my validation from others but to find it within. It’s constant work, and some days I am better at it than others.

So this weekend, I definitely got a lil bummed out about being alone on Valentine’s Day and started thinking things like: “I’m a freaking great catch, why is it so hard to find someone”, “It would be real freaking nice to be pursued for once versus doing all the pursuing”,”my last attempt at ‘dating’ ended in a spew of mean things being hurled at me because I was too closed off”, “maybe I’m not the catch I think I am”, and then a negative spiral ensued from there. What is different about me today than ever before, is that this time I took all that negative crap that was spinning around in my head and used it as an opportunity to give myself some love versus trying to find it through someone else.

I picked my mopey butt up and went and did some things that made me feel really amazing. I went to the grocery store and bought myself 2 dozen bright pink roses, some yummy cheese and crackers and olives and chocolate, and a nice bottle of red wine. I put those pretty roses on display in the middle of my table, watched a movie and enjoyed my snacks and my own company. I woke up in the morning and went snowshoeing in the middle of a snow storm in the woods for 2 hours. I listened to the quiet and drank in all the scenery and hashed out all the things that were going through my head. I then treated myself to a manicure and a pedicure, and a little bit of shopping. I bought some amazing bath products and went home and soaked in the bath tub until I turned into a raisin. I woke up and started off the work week with positive momentum and positive feelings about myself. I went to therapy and talked about how I am struggling with loving myself… I did brain spotting on the topic for most of my session. I went to the gym and put on the best booty shaking music I could find and practically danced on the elliptical machine for an hour. Then, I got up this morning on Valentine’s Day and got all dressed up in a pink ensemble that makes me feel like a million bucks.

The point here is that I am doing the work, and I am proud of myself for that. I am sure that I could have easily settled for a situation that made me feel a little bit important, a little bit loved, a little bit desired, a little bit good about myself. I could have found anyone to give me some of those things… but I have taken this year to grow those things in myself.

And whenever I am ready to really be with someone else again, it won’t be because I need them to complete me. I will be whole and fulfilled and complete all on my own. ❤

12 thoughts on “Loving myself has been the hardest part of healing from Narcissistic Abuse

  1. Yes – do you really want someone yet, anyway? I’d like a bit of interest – it makes life interesting – but with my 20 month old I barely have time to give myself attention!

    I’m glad you’re doing well at it. I struggle with it too. Revenge thoughts are the most difficult now and then – it’s not my thing but it’s very hard, isn’t it. You can’t attract wonder if you’re thinking about how to expose someone. It would only drag me down to his level. It’s tough.

    Happy Valentine’s Day! ❤

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    1. Jarwithaheavylid, Happy Valentine’s Day to you as well! I do feel like I am ready to be dating but probably on a pretty casual level. The last person I attempted dating with wanted to move faster than I was able to so it sort of blew up. I would love to have someone to enjoy things with at a turtle pace. haha ❤

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  2. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. I feel these feelings so much and scared to be alone forever.. that I won’t put myself out as much as I should and then men won’t want me. But I want to be at peace with where I am today.. it’s so hard for me. Thank you for writing this.. helped me a lot. I am not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Comingoutfromthedark, when I first left I was having a really hard time because all I could focus on was being angry. I was angry that I wasted so much time with The Narcissist, angry that I felt like he used up my child-bearing years, angry that I felt so of course from the life I always wanted. I have found that the more I am okay with being alone, the more at peace I am. I have found that I now get so much fullness in my life from my family, my friends, my friends kids, etc. that it doesn’t feel so scary to end up alone. I still hope to find someone amazing to be with, but I at least know that I can do it all on my own and be happy if I need to. ❤

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  3. I absolutely love this….way to push through your struggle. The best thing we can do for ourselves is push through when we are down. I know all too well about what you are feeling, today I woke up feeling fresh and new. I’m recovering from narcisstic abuse and I woke up thinking “wow today is a beautiful day.” I’m celebrating with my 2 daughters. I feel so free and so at peace. Thank you for posting this. I can say today I didn’t receive the lavish gifts from the soon to be ex narc, but I also didn’t receive the mental and emotional abuse that always came right after those gifts. Today is certainly a great day!!!!

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  4. From what I know about you from your blogs, you’re pretty awesome! Deffo love yourself! ❤
    Self- acceptance is first step towards any happy relationship or venture. It's just a bloody good step in the right direction 😀
    Happy Valentine's Day! x
    PS: would love to hear more about snowshoeing?! sounds fab!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Zara, thank you so much!! Snowshoeing is amazing… I bought snowshoes a few years back when I was doing a lot of running and we had a terrible winter which was keeping me housebound. The snowshoes basically allow you to get our and hike in the snow and its a killer cardio workout! I would highly recommend it if you live in a snowy climate and like to do outdoor activities. ❤

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  5. Thank you for writing this. Hearing your story is inspiring, and I am glad you are actively working on yourself and that you have found peace in soloutide as well. I hope to get there soon.
    I am just getting out of a 6 yr relationship, and these feelings resonate so much. I feel I wasted valuable years. Worse, I feel I knew all along deep down that this was wrong for me – and I lacked the courage to stay, or worse – I lacked the self love required to leave. Living with the decisions I made, and finding love again, will be hard. I felt as though I couldnt do any better. I hope that we all can – i know it’s possible.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Learnasyougo, one of the most eye opening experiences of sharing this blog has been finding out that the things I felt along the way, are the same things that so many others have felt too. If we have all been in those same places than it is possible for us all to come out the other end and really truly be happy! Take it day by day, embrace the baby steps, and don’t be too hard on yourself… I promise you will get there. ❤

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