The Narcissist wanted me to be a Porn Star

I was looking through old photos on the computer this week. One of the many minor hassles that came out of disentangling my life with The Narcissist was that I needed to completely start my electronic life over again… email addresses, passwords, new computer, new iCloud accounts, new phone accounts… on and on. I had yet to merge our old iPhoto file with my current iPhoto collection and delete stuff I no longer wanted and get everything organized. So on a snow day this week I started combing through the files.

Most of the pictures were really hard to look at. The ones from the day we got married where I look so happy and innocent and full of life that there are practically sun beams shooting out of my smile… to the outing we had right before the first time I tried to leave him where the bags under my eyes and the hollow look on my face say everything. I guess more than anything I was surprised to realize that the “Sexy” photos we had throughout our life together outnumbered the normal ones… and it got me thinking back on that theme through our life, and remember how crazy it was.

My relationship with The Narcissist began in a long-distance arrangement, after we spent about 2 months together he was deployed by the military and we spent about a year shaping our relationship over the phone and on Skype. Pretty early on he began requesting sexy photos of me since he couldn’t see me in person. At that point in my life I had never taken a photo of myself even in lingerie so this was way outside of my comfort zone, but at that point I wanted to everything I could to keep him happy so I did it. I would go out and buy lingerie outfits and do my hair and makeup and stage photoshoots and send him tons of pictures. He would subtly tell me the things he liked or didn’t like and ask for different things and it evolved into a weekly effort to keep him happy.

Through this time period he was also obsessed with Playboy. He started having his magazine subscription sent to my house. He ordered me a ton of playboy clothes, lingerie, jewelry, etc. He liked me to dress and look and act overly feminine and much like the girls on the then hit show The Girls Next Door. I always felt a bit uncomfortable with it because in my mind and through my life experiences some of the trashiest women I knew wanted to be a Playboy model and proudly wore the clothing to get attention from men… but as with everything else I gave in because I wanted to make him happy.

Once his deployment was over and we were married and physically together we had plenty of ‘normal’ sex but there started to be this trend of making elaborate events out of sex. He would require me to plan special nights of going out, drinking, having sex in wild places, wearing special outfits, taking photo shoots of us having sex… on and on. It actually became really exhausting because as with everything else I could never keep up with his expectations or his standards for things .

Somewhere along the way he really started pushing me to be more voyeuristic with where we would take the photos and who we would show them to. One night we wandered around a beautiful resort hotel and he took pictures of me in secluded parts of the lobby and hallways and pool area. He would edit the photos and post the ones he liked best to my super private Facebook account in an effort to try to recruit my girlfriends to sleep with us. I was only allowed to connect with women on Facebook and I wasn’t allowed to have any friends that I knew from the past… like family, old friends, etc. I even had one acquaintance that asked me to stop posting naked pictures of myself because she felt uncomfortable seeing them pop up on her newsfeed. The Narcissist flipped out and said she was uncomfortable with her sexuality and I wasn’t allowed to be friends with her anymore after that.

The Narcissist kept “floating” the idea of me becoming a web cam sex girl to me. His sales pitch was that I was gorgeous and I could make a ton of money for us just by doing things to myself on camera. He said that I would never need to even see another man and I would just have to dress up cute and play the part of creating enough new content to keep people entertained. You can imagine my surprise as I was not even allowed to have conversations with males that were outside of The Narcissist’s close friend group. Literally we got into a fight once because I was leaving the BX and said thank you to a Marine who held open the door for me. The Narcissist accused me of being an attention whore. Yet here he was trying to convince me to post naked videos of myself masturbating online so that other men could get off to it.

I thank my lucky stars that I was able to avoid this ever really coming to fruition. I argued that I would have an extremely hard time walking around in public thinking about which men had seen me naked. I said that it could really harm my future in terms of getting a real job or being seen as a credible smart woman. He had a comeback for all of it which basically accused me of not being comfortable with my sexuality and not loving myself.

I think I provided enough resistance on that topic that then he tried to push me to submit to be a Playboy Playmate. He claimed that Playboy was the classiest publication around and that I would be revered for modeling for such a timeless magazine. He even staged a few photoshoots that he hoped would be good enough to submit for Playboy. I came back with all of the same arguments but I think in my twisted mindset at the time I had justified that if I was going to end up profiting off of my naked body I would rather do it uber airbrushed and glamorized for Playboy versus be a webcam porn star.

In the end, the thing that actually saved me from ending up naked on the internet somewhere wasn’t my own power… it was that The Narcissist could never get over his criticism of my body enough to think I was “ready” for these endeavors. He would take photos of me and pick apart my worst insecurities and say terrible things to me about how my inner thighs were too chubby or I would really need a boob job if I was ever going to get anywhere, and he would shake his head in disgust and say I wasn’t ready.

So I never ended up a web cam girl, and I never ended up in Playboy and thank freaking God. What I am left with is literally thousands of naked and semi naked and sex photos of myself… where I can see the look of pure desperation on the face of a gorgeous, too skinny,  too tan, too glittery, too glamorized looking girl who is just trying to get her husband to love her. It’s heartbreaking and was really hard for me to see.

The reality is that this, like absolutely everything else in my life was about The Narcissist and not about me. He loved the idea of how cool he would look and impressed his friends would be that he had a wife who was a webcam girl or in a Playboy magazine. He loved that he would feel elite through that somehow. He loved the idea of me making lots of money for us that he could then spend on all the stupid shit he wanted. He loved the idea of my sexy photos bringing other women into our bedroom so that he didn’t have to do any of the work and reap all the pleasures. He loved being able to use me in any way shape and form to feed his ego and elevate his status to someplace higher. He loved the things I did for his life, but he never not even once actually loved, respected or appreciated me.

So, I deleted all of the photos that had The Narcissist in them but I have kept the ones of me. One of my primary goals for this year is to learn to love myself and I feel like that needs to be true for my journey too. I wan’t to look at these pictures and love myself in them, and I want to look at myself now and love myself now. So I am going to keep them for now, tucked away, as a reminder of where I was and how far I have come to be the woman typing all of this today.

 

9 thoughts on “The Narcissist wanted me to be a Porn Star

  1. This part, I like the most…

    “One of my primary goals for this year is to learn to love myself and I feel like that needs to be true for my journey too. I wan’t to look at these pictures and love myself in them, and I want to look at myself now and love myself now. So I am going to keep them for now, tucked away, as a reminder of where I was and how far I have come to be the woman typing all of this today”…

    Very touching post.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so happy for you, that you’re in a better place. It’s interesting to note that my Narc was very probably involved in pornography (like as a model, possibly did a couple of videos) and admitted to a form of prostitution. She referenced it as ‘exotic dancing’ that naively turned into something more, and of course she had “no idea,” and it’s so hard to reconcile that with women who are in actually really terrible positions and are then coerced into doing this, versus Narcissists (especially somatic ones) who literally bask in the leering attention and sell themselves. The more depraved the sex, the better for them, and it’s no wonder they have so many sicknesses.

    I’m all for sexual liberation and all that, but when it gets taken advantage of like this, when the trust is perverted and ruined, then it’s a serious problem; on both a personal and societal level.

    Again, I’m glad you hung onto your integrity and got away from that creep.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Such a lucky escape that you DIDNT go through with this!!! Imagine the hell he would have set loose with the jealousy and twisted crap he would have turned around and made it all your fault. Good job for not doing it!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. OMG! I’m only at the very beginning of peeling away the layers of my facade of a marriage and exposing it as the lie it was. This post here of yours almost mirrors a mental post I’ve been hanging onto….not knowing how or if I even should “go there” in the blogosphere afraid of who may read it. Thanks for giving me the courage to go forward and tell my own story. Be on the lookout…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Ladyinwaiting72, I’ve found that for me personally writing about the things I feel most ashamed about regarding The Narcissist has been the most freeing. I didn’t realize how much guilt and shame I still had from a number of these events, but putting it all out there makes me feel like it takes that power away from him and gives it back to me… it’s my story now. So write away, I look forward to reading about your journey! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m very, very sorry for the woman who used to try so hard to be loved on the outside because she didn’t know any better.

    The narcissist has some naked photos of me (no head though) – but it’s about power and control and him looking back over them is about remembering the power and control he used to coerce me into doing things because I loved him and I thought he really wanted them. That’s the turn on.

    He also tried talking me into swinging with him. No doubt since I got the hell away from him his wife has stepped up her game in trying to please him – perhaps he has her thinking if she goes swinging with him she’ll make him happy don’t he’ll always stay. Group sex is a big turn on to a narcissist – all those people wanting him at once – men or women – it doesn’t matter.

    It’s only her integrity on the line now (like it never has been). And I feel very sad and sorry for someone who can’t see how she’s abandoning herself so that she can validated through another person’s eyes. A sadist’s eyes. A person so beneath her she would have the same feelings that we all do once our eyes are opened to the truth.

    Be proud that there was always something in you that knew and that held on to your integrity. That’s your soul talking! ❤🙏

    Liked by 1 person

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