The Narcissist had spent nearly 8 years completely shifting my life around so that he was at the center of everything. What I never realized at the time is that these manipulations were done by design as a method of control and coercion to make it feel nearly impossible for me to ever leave him.
- He slowly isolated me from all of my friends, family, loved ones, and co-workers so that I HAD to rely on him for absolutely everything.
- He destroyed my self-esteem and confidence to the point where I NEEDED his encouragement to feel okay about absolutely anything from making a simple decision to picking out an outfit.
- He forced a life on me where we did absolutely everything together… sleeping, eating, shopping, reading, movie-watching, work outs, etc. to the point that doing anything alone felt unnatural and scary.
When I finally realized that I needed to leave The Narcissist one of the deepest fears that I had was that I would never find anyone else to fill the void in my life left from the absence of The Narcissist. I felt panicked over the idea of being alone, of doing things alone, of making decisions alone, of feeling empty all of the time, of never finding someone who could be all of those things for me.
At some point along the journey I realized that I do not need a partner to feel whole… and when I thought it about that, it became a poignant example of how much I have healed and shifted since I first left! Becoming whole again was one of those sneaky healings that I didn’t even know was happening.
Slowly and over time my life became full without having a partner. I started cultivating strong and loving relationships with my family. I reconnected with my best friend and built a relationship with her kids to where they now call me “Auntie.” I have made amazing new friends both in my personal life and work life who are supportive, positive, and bring new perspectives and life lessons to me on a daily basis. I started re-discovering the things that I felt passionate about and took the initiative to get myself involved in communities and groups that share those same passions. I just started living my life the way that made me feel happiest… and one day I looked around and realized my life is so full that I could be okay if I never ever found a partner.
I had literally placed all of my eggs in one crazy basket with The Narcissist, and that is what made it feel so scary to lose him. He was the center of everything and I couldn’t even imagine what a healthy relationship could look like… I thought I had to find someone else who would do all that; and now I have all of that and more without a partner. I have it with myself, I have it with my friends and loved ones, I have it all here and I don’t need anyone else to fulfill that for me.
Would I like to find a partner to enjoy this life with?… Yes!
Do I need a partner to feel whole or happy or fulfilled?…. No!
Will I choose a partner who doesn’t appreciate that I am whole on my own without them?… Never!
If you are stuck in that scary place of wondering if you should leave, or imagining what life will look like when you leave, or being scared that you will never have something so immense again, please listen to this advice from someone who made it through to the other side.
“You cannot even imagine how good your life is going to be and how amazing you are going to feel once you start healing from an abusive relationship. You can’t imagine it because your brain has been trained to see things the way you are currently used to them, and it is going to take a while for that to shift.
You will never find someone else like your abuser, and that it is an amazing thing. You will find things you never even realized you needed… and you will find them within yourself and within the relationships you cultivate.
When you do meet someone who is the right someone they will love you in healthy ways you can’t even dream up. You will feel those highs of the good feelings without having to experience the crashing lows of the abuse cycle.
You will be happier, healthier and you will feel at peace. You will become better than the version of yourself that you probably think you lost forever.”
I promise you it’s all there waiting for you to make a move… It’s a brand new year, and it is time to choose you… it’s time to make yourself whole again. ❤