I saw a news story the other day about a boy who died after his girlfriend gave him a hickey. Apparently his girlfriend’s love bite caused a blood cot which traveled to his brain and he had a stroke and died. The story is horrifying and very sad, but the hickey topic jogged some memories for me.
The Narcissist always gave me hickeys. We had a pretty intense and crazy sex life so you would imagine that a hickey would pop up every now and then, but hickeys actually became something that we discussed on more than one occasion and even fought about on a few occasions.
You see the Narcissist loved to give me hickeys, or more so, The Narcissist loved walking around with me when I had a giant love-bite advertisement on my neck. While some abusive husbands hide their wives away and get jealous and angry with the thought of another man even glancing at them… The Narcissist wanted me to be his sexualized arm candy on all occasions.
The Narcissist loved his own image of being a “Sexual Demi God”, he loved to brag about our sex life, he loved to have me dressed very revealing so that other men wanted me, he loved to show me off at the gym in front of all his military guys, he loved feeling powerful through sex. So what better way to show the world that you have sexually dominated your wife than leave a giant hickey on her neck???
The hickeys weren’t really a big deal early on in our marriage (and that is when they were probably the most frequent)… I wasn’t working a corporate job, we lived on an island, we were still young… but I started having issues with the hickeys when we lived with my parents, I worked in an office setting and we were ~30 years old.
I started asking the Narcissist not to give me hickeys during sex and (surprise, surprise) he got mad at me. Well, in his words, he “was hurt that I was ashamed of our love.” You see me not wanting to have to wear a scarf to work meant to The Narcissist that I was ashamed to let the world know that we had sex. The Narcissist would then launch into an emotional campaign where he claimed I wasn’t embracing my sexuality and that sex shouldn’t be something that I am ashamed of. He would try to guilt me into being more sexual… try to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough because I didn’t see things the same way that he did.
When I explained to him that it made me look unprofessional, immature, and a tad slutty to walk around the office with giant hickeys he thought I was crazy. “No one would think a married woman is slutty for having sex with her husband.” When I told him that it creeped me out to have my male co-workers look at me, see a hickey, and then think about me having sex… he told me that I was crazy. There was even a time where he got mad at me for putting cover up on a hickey before work. I had to wipe it off and then take the cover up with me in my purse and apply it before I went into the office.
There are so many of these things that seemed so little and insignificant at the time because I was dealing with much bigger and much crazier things… but when I look back and reflect all of those “little things” really consumed my life. I was being controlled and used in so many ways that were painfully obvious and so many other ways that seemed like ‘love’ or like ‘caring’ or like being ‘protective’ when really it was all just a part of The Narcissist’s game.
So, I am thankful that none of The Narcissist’s hickeys ever actually killed me… but when I look back at it all it sure feels like he was trying to.