Earlier on in my marriage to the Narcissist when I was still trying to win the trophy wife of the year award we had an incident with Chocolate Covered Strawberries of all things.
I can’t quite remember why but I had planned a special evening for the Narcissist and I…. but I had planned an awesome meal, spent the afternoon making chocolate covered strawberries, picked us up a bottle of champagne, etc. etc.
At some point in the evening the Narcissist got upset with me over something I cannot remember. (I swear my memory has really been terrible lately which I think is a result of the C-PTSD and stress from the abuse but I keep going to EMDR therapy and its helping!)
I spent the rest of our “romantic evening” trying to get the Narcissist to stop being mad at me…. begging and apologizing and pleading and crying to no avail. I kept trying to convince him that we could still have our romantic evening together and that we could discuss the topic the next day… that I had worked so hard and I didn’t want to waste it. Per usual with the Narcissist absolutely nothing worked.
When I finally got him to calm down enough to not be mad at me anymore for whatever it was that set him off…he then became mad that I had “ruined our evening.” He grabbed the tray of chocolate covered strawberries out of the refrigerator and dumped them all into the sink and turned on the garbage disposal. He claimed that he couldn’t just sit around with me eating the strawberries because I had ruined the energy and the mood of the evening.
When I think back, this image is actually a really great visual image representation of my marriage to the Narcissist. Beautiful hand-made chocolate covered strawberries made with so much care and love all smashed to crap in the garbage disposal and all over the bottom of my sink.
Thinking back on memories like this I can still feel an overwhelming sense of stress and panic. The Narcissist continually created scenarios where I could never win no matter what I did. He often imposed time constraints, or threw things into the mix that were completely out of my control. He would keep me awake all through the night discussing things, crying, begging for his forgiveness and I would end up so sleep deprived that I would fall asleep sitting up at which point he would get mad at me for “not caring enough to stay awake.” I lived for so long in a situation where I could never get it right, I could never succeed… and that was one of the reasons that I really believed the Narcissist when he told me that I was a failure and that I wasn’t good enough.
Sometimes I still can’t believe that I made it out of that situation.