I’ve had a few “major” breakups in my life and have experienced the feeling of closure of a relationship in a few different ways…
- There was my first ‘real’ boyfriend a 3 year high school relationship. He broke up with me for a girl that worked at the super market with him… who he was already seeing before we broke up. Then he started dating one of my close friends.. who he also turned out to be seeing before we broke up. I left all of the things he ever gave me in a garbage bag in his driveway, burned his photos and never spoke to him again. That felt like closure.
- There was my first ‘I’m gonna fix you’ boyfriend who came next. I can’t even really remember how we broke up, but he left for the Coast Guard and although we saw each other a few times here and there… things just kind of naturally fizzled out. That felt like closure.
- Then there was the last major boyfriend before the Narcissist. An almost 5 year relationship where we lived together and bought a dog. I realized that I didn’t love him the way I thought I did and started to get anxiety attacks that he was going to propose to me. Instead of being an adult and ending the relationship in a healthy way… I cheated on him and was mean to him until he got the hint. He moved out and kidnapped the dog from me one night. After a bit of back and forth I cut the ties all together. That felt like closure (at least for me anyway.)
One of the suckiest parts of this divorce with the Narcissist is the realization that I will never actually get closure in the sense that I desperately feel like I need. Without that closure it is hard to feel healed, it is hard to feel ready to move on, it is hard to get the freaking Narcissist out of my head. This is new territory for me, but I am well aware that:
- The Narcissist is never going to acknowledge or apologize for the things he has done to me. While for some reason, the Narcissist can sometimes apologize for “the things he did to me when he was angry” aka the physical abuse… he never grasps the severity of it and he always makes it sound like no big deal. As for the remaining years of psychological, emotional, sexual, financial and religious abuse… yeah right. The Narcissist believes that he has been the epitome of a perfect husband for the rest of our marriage.
- The Narcissist is always going to blame me and make me out to be the crazy one. He will always blame me for giving up on our marriage, walking away from him, choosing anger instead of love, and generally making his life miserable. His version of the story is always going to be the one he shares… the story where he is a an innocent victim and I am an angry evil crazy ex-wife.
- The Narcissist is never going acknowledge what an amazing wife I was. I will never get a thank you or an acknowledgement for being a stellar wife during the years of hell he put me through. I will never get credit for doing most of the course work that led to his degree. I will never get credit for the emotional and psychological support I provided him through his mental crises. I will never get credit for financially supporting him for the last 5 years. He will never admit that I am pretty freaking awesome.
- The Narcissist is never going to admit that he misses me. I mean how could he miss me when he already has 25 women filling his supply and feeding his ego? The one time early on when I asked him if he missed me even a little bit, he replied with “I miss the woman you were at the beginning of our marriage… before you chose anger over me.” (This means that he misses the submissive woman who he was physically abusing.) Some silly part of me actually thought that when I moved out and he was all alone he would realize a glimpse of what he had… but nope, not the Narcissist.
- The Narcissist will always write-off our marriage because ‘it wasn’t meant to be.’ After years of being brainwashed into believing that I had found my soulmate… the one person that God designed exactly for me… I now must come to terms with the fact that God was just playing. The Narcissist now believes that our marriage was meant to be a learning experience and was never meant to be forever. This allows him to not feel any fault or any guilt for anything that happened… because it was supposed to happen exactly this way!
- The Narcissist is never going to beg for me, fight for me, or ever want me again. While I recognize that this one is probably a bit unhealthy… I have to say it, because I feel it. I know that being with the Narcissist in any way shape or form is unhealthy, and I would never do that to myself again. However, there is some weird sense of satisfaction that I feel like I would feel if the Narcissist called and said “I can’t live without you… my life is in shambles… I would do anything to have you back.” Of course, he never will… and it doesn’t matter if he did… I think it just speaks to the feeling of being discarded… of feeling like you were never really important to begin with.
The closure piece felt a bit easier when I was full of anger at the Narcissist for the Southern Rose incident… I felt like maybe hating him could make feel closure. However, I just started to feel bad for Rose and couldn’t believe that he was doing the exact same thing to her. My anger sort of subsided as I realized that this is who he is… the is the reality…. this is the Narcissist.
So I have been desperately trying over the past 4 months to turn the focus on myself and off of him. I’ve been spending time with friends and family. I’ve been spending time with rescue puppies and babies. I’ve been doing new things and having new experiences. I’ve been reading and learning and writing my heart out. I’ve been seeking closure everywhere I can think to find it.
Its easier today than it was 90 days ago for sure. I think it is one of those things that is just going to take time. I think that the more I fill my heart with new love and new happy the further away the Narcissist will feel.