Today’s rant is brought to you by my breaking the no contact rule. Every time I do it there is a logical reason for it, and then I suffer as a result. In the several times I have broken my own no contact rule I have been left feeling used, foolish, stupid, worthless… and ANGRY.
This past week has been full of contact mainly due to the fact that the Narcissist kept “forgetting” the very things that he was supposed to be returning to me. He “forgot” a box, then when I looked through the hard drive that was supposed to full of our files and photos… none of the photos were there… and that led to him having to re-pick up the hard drive and then re-drop it off again. So I have seen the Narcissist 3 times in the past week, and have been texting with him on and off. Not surprisingly, this is the absolute worst that I have felt emotionally since that time I found out about Southern Rose.
So, whats going on in the world of the Narcissist you might ask? Well he is moving out of state because a light worker had a dream about him and contacted him so that he can mentor him in the ways of light working. You see God himself has a master plan for the Narcissist which includes travelling the world and healing people. Said light worker is also a millionaire, who sits on many Boards of highly important companies and plans to also get the Narcissist a real job while he trains in the ways of light working. He is also going to let the Narcissist live in his newly built multi-million dollar estate. The Narcissist also told me that the Devil is scared of him, and has been sending women with the particular purpose of distracting the Narcissist and keeping him off-track of his true life’s purpose (sorry Rose, looks like your just a minion of the devil himself.)
As trained as I am in the Jedi mind tricks of the Narcissist I fell straight down this freaking rabbit hole and it took a while to claw myself out. How could you not ask questions about these things?? How could you not be curious for more information?? The important thing that I forgot to remind myself about is that when you ask questions you get answers that you don’t want or need.
- I learned that from the Narcissist’s perspective Rose was “cloaked by the devil” and was hiding under the guise of a good honest Christian girl. He claims that she used him for love, attention, money, etc. and that she lied to him and betrayed him. He claims that he gave her another chance to “prove that she loves him” (sounds eerily familiar) and that she betrayed him even further. He said he ended things with her and she turned crazy. He said that he had to block her from every form of online interaction, and block 2 phone numbers because she kept changing them. He then sent me a lengthy text message that he sent her about not forgiving her.
- I learned that the Narcissist has had to “cleanse” his life of people who were also trying to take advantage of him and use him for his friendship, advice, gifts, and money. He has decided his inner circle needs to remain small and can only include people that are better than him so that he can learn and grow through them.
- I learned that the poor poor Narcissist can’t spend any time focusing on himself or his well being because “every time he does, girls line up and demand his attention and time.” He is exhausted from dealing with all of this girl drama in his life.
- I learned that “it’s not just girls” who want to be with the Narcissist… it’s guys too!! This also seemed to feed his ego. Interestingly enough I have had 2 people ask me if we got divorced because he was gay… and drunkenly the other night I showed a gay friend all his photos and asked him what he thought… he also seemed to think the Narcissist was gay. Who knows.
- I asked if he believed that I was also sent by the Devil to distract him from his spiritual mission in life and he responded no (Phew!) but made sure to include that his light worker mentor did say that we were never meant to be (well that explains things.) This seemed to be the exact justification the Narcissist needed.
- My awesome evening ended when the Narcissist “accidentally” sent me a text intended for some other girl where he told her how sweet she was and congratulated her on something and sent her a song to “celebrate and shake her booty to.”
As I sat on my couch crying… mainly because of how stupid I feel for even attempting to make sense out of this man, I felt really angry. I found myself repeating over and over in my head… “I’m f*cking special too.”
It dawned on me that I have spent most of my adult life tied to a man who believes he is special, he is chosen, he is a demi-god, he has a personal relationship with god, he can feel people’s energy, he has spiritual dreams, he is meant to do great things. I have lived in his shadow, being the person who is never good enough to deserve the Narcissist’s time, energy, love…. being the girl who feels like a side-kick and not an equal for 8 years.
I reached a point in my anger where all I could think of was the scene from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix where Harry tells Voldemort that he feels sorry for him. I looked it up in my copy of the book and it turns out its only in the movie version (see below.)
This made me realize that it doesn’t matter how much the Narcissist has in his life… how much wealth, how many fans, how much success, how much divine intervention…. none of it matters. The Narcissist can’t ever give or receive love. He has never been able to understand real, true, unconditional love even though he claims that that is the only things he strives for in life. He has been wounded and shaped throughout life from the things he experienced as a child and the only love that he will ever know is the love that he has for himself…. and that made me feel bad for the Narcissist.
So back to no contact for me. I have everything back that was sentimental and important to me. I can live with the things that are still missing or unanswered for. We are done with court and all of the divorce stuff. I can get on with my life again, Narcissist free.
I am just really praying that you don’t all see me on the news in a few years being interviewed as the woman who used to be married to a religious cult leader…