Its been an emotional week for me. I had a pretty intense EMDR / Brainspotting session on Monday night and ever since I have been feeling pretty raw and emotional. I have cried at random on several occasions… while cooking, when a sad song came on my playlist, while driving home from work. I’m talking deep intense tears that just come out of no where and then disappear pretty quickly.
The Narcissist and I had arrangements for him to drop off the last of my stuff this week which included a hard drive of all of our photos, videos, memories. When we were arranging the time via text he mentioned that he was moving out of state soon. In all honestly that sent me into an emotional frenzy. I felt a number of things as the finality of everything really hit me. Even though we have been living separate lives for the past 4 months and barely speaking through text, the idea of having him live on the other side of the country and potentially never ever seeing him again was difficult. Its been difficult for the parts of me that are not over him yet. My mind started racing through the million “what ifs”… but mostly the “what if I had hung in there longer, would moving have helped us work it out??” Then there was a bit of anger and resentment… how unfair that he gets to start living a part of the dream that we had together, without me. He gets to move on to his next chapter while I feel like I am still stuck and broken and nursing my wounds before I can do anything.
The thing that really hit me the hardest was when I clicked through the hard drive and found a folder of videos I had made for us. It was in our first year of marriage and we didn’t have iPhone’s yet. The Narcissist had bought me a Flip Camera and I brought it everywhere as we explored our tropical home. I spent hours editing the footage in iMovie, finding just the right songs to compliment the videos and the perfect font to go on screen. There was the first morning we arrived on our tropical island home, the first Christmas when we made a big gingerbread house, exploring funny little places on the island, and the first marathon we ran together. The videos literally broke my heart, and it wasn’t just a longing for that time, or missing our first home, or missing him…. it was seeing me that broke my heart.
You could see it on my face, you could hear it in my voice, you could feel it from my presence. I was head over heels in love. I was in that innocent, trusting, adventurous, excited, optimistic, let’s take on the world together kind of love. I looked so happy, so full of light, and my laughter was seriously contagious. I was glowing. The Narcissist on the other hand seemed subdued to me, almost indifferent. He was there and he was smiling and sometimes laughing but he definitely looked like a hollow-version of the man I remember.
I cried for hours after watching those videos. I cried because I forgot how far I have fallen… I forgot what my happiness actually looked like… and it has been so damn long since I have actually been there.
I cried because I am scared that I will never be capable of that kind of love again. I don’t think I will ever be able to be that vulnerable, that open, that innocent and that trusting again. I cried because I am sad that the Narcissist took that sweet, innocent love and used it to control me and to abuse me.
Over our 8 years of marriage that light was slowly sucked out of me and I became someone so unhappy, so desperate for love and approval, and so depressed that I could barely function. I still feel like I don’t even recognize myself and I have been healing for 4 months. It’s a painful journey to remember, but it was even more painful to actually see the difference on video.
So my friends, this week has been one of the tough ones. It’s been a week of Haagen-Dazs and Red Wine for dinner… and I even broke my no contact rule and texted the Narcissist in my pain last night. We actually had an okay and supportive ‘text conversation’ which in my time of need worked for me.
It provided me with just enough acknowledgement of my pain (without him actually taking the responsibility), just enough feeling of still having him in my life (without him being in control of me), and just enough of a reminder of why it could never ever be what I need it to be.