This is a topic I have been bouncing around in my head for a while – Narcissists and Sex. As I started digging into the topic online I found some interesting info and thought I would interlace it with my own experiences…
Sex with the Narcissist was damn good… mindblowingly good… I’m talking adventurous, crazy, fantasy sex good. I did and experienced things with the Narcissist that I would have never imagined myself doing. Threesomes, bondage, sex in public places… you name it we probably tried it.
From the very beginning the sex was that good… it was one of the things about the relationship that kept my chemical levels bouncing all over the place, one of the few times where I would actually feel loved or needed by the Narcissist, and something that has left me feeling those addiction withdrawals post-Narcissist.
1. Charming and Romantic – But with a Catch: Like a master salesperson, they use charisma to get your attention, flattery to make you feel special, seduction (flirting, gifts, dinners, get-aways, etc.) to lift you off your feet, and persuasion to get you to give them what they want. Some sexual narcissists are very good in bed (at least they think they are), for sex is used as a tool to impress, entrap, and manipulate.
My Narcissist was all of the above – charming, handsome, physically fit (can you say 8-pack?) and very attentive and good in bed. From the very beginning he was focused on the pleasure of sex and quickly became obsessed with learning every detail about my past sex life. He wanted to be beyond sure that he was the best lover I had ever had, he asked for intimate details about how large my previous partners were, how many people had brought me to orgasm and in what ways. He quickly became controlling about what kinds of sex toys I could use and when I was allowed to masturbate. He did not want anything going inside of my body that was physically bigger than him, and he did not want me to have an orgasm without him or without filming it for him. This was especially challenging because for the beginning of our relationship together he spent a year deployed and we were doing a long-distance relationship.
2. Excessive Focus on Performance and Approval: Pathological narcissists often have an inflated sense of themselves. They crave approval, are highly sensitive to criticism, and may try very hard to perform in bed. This is especially true during the initial phases of a relationship, when they seek to impress and win you over.
This one definitely fit the Narcissist to a T. As I mentioned he was obsessed with being the best lover I had ever had. His performance was something that he took very seriously. He frequently stressed out over whether or not his Testosterone levels were high enough. He began taking an herbal supplement of Deer Antler Velvet to enhance his stamina. At one point he even blamed me for making him so depressed that he wasn’t turned on anymore. He went to see a Urologist who tested his Testosterone levels and surprise, surprise they were off the charts. Even though he had never had a single problem in 8 years together with getting an erection, he asked the Urologist for a prescription of Cialis to use on the weekends when he wanted to be able to have sex marathons. He was also obsessed with how many orgasms I would have and how intense they were… if he didn’t get the types of reactions he wanted he would feel insecure about it. This made me feel like I had to put on a performance every single time or I would spend the rest of the night soothing his ego.
3. Excessive Focus on Physical Over Emotional: The sexual narcissist’s style of love-making is often focused on appearance and image, with a keen dislike for flaws and weaknesses from oneself or the partner. The love-making is less about two human beings connecting, and more about measuring up to idealized expectations.
I found this to be true on some levels with the Narcissist. He was very good at making me feel like we were experience a deep emotional connection during the actual sex, but it was the messaging around the rest of our life that made me feel objectified and like the sex was there to serve his ego and make him feel manly. He liked to record sex, take naked photos, and everything had to be perfect.. we had to workout that day so the muscles were pumped, had to be tan enough, pick out the right lingerie etc. It was pretty exhausting to worry about sex and looking good on camera… not a spontaneous and hot video of sex. Additionally, he loved to hear about what I thought about him during sex.
4. You Exist to Serve the Narcissist’s Needs: After the initial courtship period during which he or she tries to impress and please, a sexual narcissist may begin to demand that you cater primarily to his own selfish needs. He may expect you to be “on call” and satisfy sexual desires at his pleasure, require you to engage in sexual acts which only he enjoys, or demand that you limit your other activities to be more available.
I can also relate to this one – early on in our relationship, and right before his deployment we went for a romantic getaway to a bed and breakfast for the weekend. He surprised me with champagne, lingerie, and bondage. Now I am pretty adventurous when it comes to sex, but at that point I was pretty plain-jane so the idea of handcuffs and blindfolds was pretty kinky. At the time the experience felt liberating and exciting and different – but when I look back on it it sort of freaks me out. Much like the 50 Shades of Grey series (as I can only assume from watching the movie in horror – dude is a total psychopath!) the Narcissist used me like an object and not like a lover. Much later in our relationship he convinced me to bring other women into our bedroom. These were experiences that I agreed to and that I enjoyed at the time. Over time however, he became demanding that I find women to bring home and when it didn’t work out the way he hoped, he would get angry and abusive. I had essentially allowed my Narcissist to cheat on me without having to cheat on me, and I did all the hard work of hitting on the women and convincing them to come home with us.
5. Constantly Puts You Down: In order to put up a facade of superiority, and disguise hidden insecurity and inadequacy, some narcissists will constantly put other people down, to boost their own desirability and acceptability. In a sexual relationship, some (but not all) narcissists may also target their partners for ridicule, blame, shame, sarcasm, and overall marginalization. By subjecting the partner to an inferior psychological position, the narcissist is able to exercise a greater degree of dominance and manipulation.
I cant remember the Narcissist ever putting me down in a sexual way, but he did it in every other way humanly possible. You name it and my Narcissist criticized it and wanted me to improve it. Even when I was in the best shape of my life and had a 6-pack, the Narcissist would point out how my inner thighs touched. I constantly felt throughout our entire marriage that he was the better looking one, the more fit one, that I should feel blessed to be with someone who looked like that and not the other way around.
6. Reacts Negatively When You Don’t Give Them What They Want: Since many sexual narcissists can’t stand disappointment or rejection, they will frequently react negatively when you don’t give them what they want, in the way they want it. Some of the common responses include Anger – Tantrum. Negative judgment. Personal attacks. Ridicule Passive-Aggression – The cold shoulder. The silent treatment. Withhold of love and affection (such as it is). Sarcasm. Calculated separation. Emotional Coercion – Blame. Guilt trip. Calling the partner ungrateful. Threaten to withhold love and intimacy (such as it is). Pretend narcissistic victim-hood.
The Narcissist was really good about making me feel guilty about things even in bed. If he wanted me to do something that I wasn’t in the mood for, he would blame me for being selfish and not caring enough about his needs… or he would take a stab at my confidence and say that I should love myself and be confident enough to do x, y, or z. When he was angry and being violent he would go through painstaking details about how his former partners were better than me in bed or how they cared more about him or focused more on him than I did. He would withhold sex when he was angry and make me throw myself at him before he would give me any physical affection. I found during his most violent times that sex was something that would always bring him out of his anger and I guess provided him with enough attention to calm down. His sexual drive was insane during that time and I definitely felt like I was an outlet and not a loved and respected human being.
7. Treats You Poorly / Neglects You After Sex: Since the sexual narcissist uses you to satiate his or her own needs, he may disappear emotionally (if not physically) as soon as his gratification is met. You’re left hanging, perhaps feeling alone and empty, because little or no genuine intimacy was conveyed. There was love-making, but no real love. Then the sexual narcissist will contact you again the next time he wants his craving satisfied.
This was definitely true during his angry phase. Sex was the only way I felt any love or affection from him so I was eager for it… and he constantly made me feel like I had to jump through hoops to get it. As I got wiser in the relationship, I started to no longer have a sex drive at all… I mean how could I feel turned on by someone who was so critical of me all of the time… by someone who was so exhausting to even be around… or by someone who’s insecurities were now screaming at me louder than anything else? He would blame me for not caring about his sexual needs, for not being in-tuned with my own body, for not wanting to take whatever supplement he researched that would make me hornier. It was definitely always on his agenda.
8. Infidelity, Violence, and Sexual Addiction: Various studies and authors have linked sexual narcissism with the following behaviors: Infidelity – In a recent study, participants rated higher for sexual narcissism are also more likely to engage in acts of infidelity Domestic Violence – Research also indicates that there’s a link between male sexual narcissism and domestic violence. Sexual Addiction – One study suggests that sexual addiction is a reflection of sexual narcissism.
Yes again here. Domestic Violence – absolutely. Sexual Addiction – perhaps. The Narcissist was definitely into porn, we had every Playboy magazine back to 2005, he was constantly downloading nude pictures, wanting to go to the strip club, etc. Infidelity – yes. Before we were married, the Narcissist went back to his home and ended up sleeping with his current wife for the entire weekend before he deployed. I know he cheated on his first wife several times (6 in total i think). I know that he was sleeping with a new girl almost immediately after I moved out of the house. I have my suspicions that he was cheating at other points throughout our marriage but I cannot confirm anything… and at this point I’d rather never know. He had a suspicious freak out over STD’s because he had what looked like an ingrown hair down there. He insisted that we both go and get full STD tests and then accused me of cheating on him through the process. Lucky for me, the tests came back clean so if he had been cheating at least I made it out okay.
Its hard to open up about a lot of this stuff because I feel so damn crazy when I read back through it all… its like “HELLO did you really think this shit was normal???” I think the single thing that I am most embarrassed about through all of the crazy sex-related things that I went through with the Narcissist was that while he was deployed he went through a crazy stint of being obsessed with my past sexual partners. He actually researched vaginal rejuvenation and signed me up for an informational appointment with a doctor who specialized in the treatments. The Narcissist was convinced that since I had had partners before him, he didn’t want a used vagina and was hoping that the doctors could restore me to my virginal self. I went into the appointment to appease him… I had a military man in the middle of an extremely dangerous combat environment who seemed fixated on the topic… and I was dumb enough to want to do everything humanly possible to make him love me. The doctor essentially confirmed my fears that I was an idiot. He asked if I had any children, or had experienced any violent rapes or trauma to my vagina. When I answered no and mentioned that I had simply had sex before and wanted to be as perfect as possible for my soon to be husband… he told me that I was in the wrong place. I called the Narcissist to fill him in, and somehow he realized through that process that there was ‘nothing wrong with my vagina’ and conceded that I should do more kegels before he got home from war.
I seriously lived this shit.