Some Days are Harder than Others

I’d be lying if I said that this divorce was easy and that I felt strong and powerful every day.

Some days out of no where the emotions hit me. Some days my heart aches with how much I miss him… or miss the idea of him. Some days it takes every bit of my self control to not call him, not text him, not cry. Some days I walk into my empty home after having an amazing fun-filled weekend with the people I love and I wish I was coming home to a partner, to love, to hugs and kisses.

I do miss things about the Narcissist. I miss sleeping next to him every night. I miss the smell of his skin first thing in the morning. I miss the way he would laugh when he had his guard down and was just having fun. I miss having someone to take care of me. I miss that feeling of knowing someone on a deep and powerful level. I miss how good the Narcissist made me feel during those brief times when he was building me up.

This is the first time in my life that I have ever lived alone, and I know that I have A LOT of work to do around loving myself and learning to be by myself. It’s interesting to me because the Narcissist used to always claim the he was “a lone wolf” and that he didn’t need anyone. He would use this as justification for why he cut off ties with his family members, old friends, whoever. He would claim that he was independent and was happy to live his life on his own. Yet, since the separation he has spent his time trying to fill his supply with other people. With roommates, with many women, with his little fan clubs of coworkers and playstation people. And here I am figuring out how to live life on my own. How to depend on myself, how to love myself, how to be whole and complete without someone else.

I have amazing friends, amazing family, and so much support through these online communities so I am definitely not alone. But I am also not dependent on those things to survive. I am going to come out of this a whole person, who doesn’t need anyone else to complete her. I am going to find someone who loves this whole person, and who wants to walk this journey of life beside me.

I know I am going to be better than okay, I know I am going to be happy, I know that this process is going to make me stronger and better and wiser in the end.

I just want to be very honest with all of you. Some days its hard… when you least expect it to be hard. ❤

 

12 thoughts on “Some Days are Harder than Others

  1. Oh so true! 😢 my husband also cut off ties with his family, I keep going over in my head if cutting off from me was always in the plan but prevented by our son who was 10 when that happened. I read your post and think you are describing so much of my daily struggles. We are loving people that deserve happiness, I am sorry for the pain.

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  2. One day you are going to look back on this and be amazed at how strong you really are. You are making empowered choices for yourself, and not allowing him to usher you into his life as a thing that is only there for him. I think that you are amazing! Blogging really helps! Xoxo

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  3. I love your honesty in this. It definitely is hard and hits when you least expect it. I think your mindset on it is amazing though! Something that helped me was realizing that I had been alone the whole time I was with my abuser. He might have done nice things from love-bombing/manipulation, but he wasn’t there for me. He didn’t support me. I was the loneliest I ever felt while I was with him. I actually have come to love my alone time. I see great thinks for you future. And I’m so proud of you for making that choice to make your life better. That’s not something that is easy to do and takes a lot of strength. You rock! 🙂

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    1. Thanks Brittany! I definitely agree on the really being alone thing. Those lil scraps of love that he gave me along the way are nothing compared to how it would feel to be loved by someone who treats you as an equal. I’m hanging in there for the real deal!! ❤

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  4. I have felt everything you describe to varying degrees and am here to reassure you that rebuilding yourself into a better, stronger, even more resilient woman will happen. And even when you think you’re perfectly okay, made it to the top of that particular mountain and are complete and are happy, you look up and realize it’s just another plateau. A good plateau, a great plateau, maybe the plateau where you choose to put down roots, settle, and stay awhile. But truly, there is always going to be some new aspiration out there for you, if you choose to expand your horizons that way. The big thing for me – it is MY CHOICE whether or not I want something more than all I have in this moment. No one tells me what I “should” want ever again or how I “should” be ever again.

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  5. Isn’t it amazing how we can equally loathe and love the same person? I am 2.5 years out and there are still parts of my narcissist that I love and miss dearly. I think part of me hung on to hope for so long hoping that the good in him would prevail. Learning to be alone and love yourself is such a difficult thing but so very imperative. How wonderful that you recognize that already. You bring a lot of perspective to this world that too many of us seem to be living in. thank you for sharing your story.

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