I’d be lying if I said that this divorce was easy and that I felt strong and powerful every day.
Some days out of no where the emotions hit me. Some days my heart aches with how much I miss him… or miss the idea of him. Some days it takes every bit of my self control to not call him, not text him, not cry. Some days I walk into my empty home after having an amazing fun-filled weekend with the people I love and I wish I was coming home to a partner, to love, to hugs and kisses.
I do miss things about the Narcissist. I miss sleeping next to him every night. I miss the smell of his skin first thing in the morning. I miss the way he would laugh when he had his guard down and was just having fun. I miss having someone to take care of me. I miss that feeling of knowing someone on a deep and powerful level. I miss how good the Narcissist made me feel during those brief times when he was building me up.
This is the first time in my life that I have ever lived alone, and I know that I have A LOT of work to do around loving myself and learning to be by myself. It’s interesting to me because the Narcissist used to always claim the he was “a lone wolf” and that he didn’t need anyone. He would use this as justification for why he cut off ties with his family members, old friends, whoever. He would claim that he was independent and was happy to live his life on his own. Yet, since the separation he has spent his time trying to fill his supply with other people. With roommates, with many women, with his little fan clubs of coworkers and playstation people. And here I am figuring out how to live life on my own. How to depend on myself, how to love myself, how to be whole and complete without someone else.
I have amazing friends, amazing family, and so much support through these online communities so I am definitely not alone. But I am also not dependent on those things to survive. I am going to come out of this a whole person, who doesn’t need anyone else to complete her. I am going to find someone who loves this whole person, and who wants to walk this journey of life beside me.
I know I am going to be better than okay, I know I am going to be happy, I know that this process is going to make me stronger and better and wiser in the end.
I just want to be very honest with all of you. Some days its hard… when you least expect it to be hard. ❤