D-day

We filed our uncontested paperwork back in April and finally had our court date this morning. I have been anxious for the past few days leading up to this and I’ve been having nightmares. I don’t know what I was really expecting… but I wasn’t expecting to actually have to stand up in a court room and answer questions in front of a crowd. I wasn’t expecting to sit through 2 other divorces and a child custody case before getting to our case. I wasn’t expecting to feel like crying the entire time but being able to stand strong instead.

The Narcissist was late which I fully expected. He arrived at 9:02 for a 9:00 court hearing. I was there at 8:40 and had myself checked in, the paperwork signed and return envelops ready to go. He just strolled in, in his 3-piece suit and sat down on the same bench as me with a good 2 feet in between us. I gave him his portion of the paperwork, a pen from my purse and a notebook to use to write on. He seemed just as flustered as I felt.

When we watched the first divorce take place, it got to the point when the judge asked the couple if their differences were irreconcilable, and the Narcissist looked at me and said “I don’t mean to sound stupid or anything, but she’s going to ask us too… is our situation irreconcilable?” In my head I was thinking… hmmm well do you think you can heal your Narcissism, PTSD, OCD, and TBI symptoms?? Do you think you can let me have a healthy relationship with friends and family?? Do you think you can stop controlling everything in our life?? And oh wait, can you undo the fact that you’ve been fucking other women since about 30 seconds after I moved out of the house?.. didn’t think so. But I just replied with “Yes” and went back to staring at the scene in the front of the room, trying to remember the things I would have to answer and do when I stood up there.

We went through the motions, answered the questions and walked out of the room a divorced couple. There is now a 30 day waiting period for the paperwork to be final… but in my mind and for all intents and purposes we are now divorced.

In the parking lot he unloaded most of the stuff I asked him for out of his new Jeep, and only launched into a tiny bit of gaslighting. He said something along the lines of “I just have to say this because I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t get it off my chest… but I didn’t want this divorce, you put us on this path. You really hurt me with your blog and you made it public the minute you sent it to someone who knows me.” He then informed me that some of our friends from the military had seen it. When I told him that made no sense because I do not share it on any of my social media sites and have not shared it with any of his friends… he replied with “Well I sent it to a few friends for support.” So I guess he was trying to be mad at me because he shared the link with people? He also threw in the “I don’t read your blog of course, because I don’t have time for that shit.” At the end of the conversation he said that he was trying to be there for me if I wanted to talk about the truth and hear his side of the story, but he would need to know that the stuff that was happening today would stop. (I’m guessing he means the blog?) I told him in a very compassionate way that I didn’t expect him to be there for me in the future, or at all.

He actually seemed to be taken back by this. He asked why and I told him that I didn’t think it was healthy for either of us to be a part of each others lives. I told him that I wish him the best and only want good things for him, but that I just couldn’t be a part of any of it. He told me he had to respect my wishes. I got in my car and drove away. I didn’t hug him, I didn’t even shake his hand, and I only let the tears fall out of my eyes when I got back into my car. (Where I cried like a baby the entire ride home.)

Later in the day someone asked me “Don’t you want to press charges on him for what he has put you through??? Don’t you think he deserves to be in jail for this stuff??” and its been stuck in my head ever since. I answered the person the same way, I’ve just had more time to think about the why now.

The answer is No. I would never want to hurt him. I would never want to see him in pain or stuck in jail… not ever. That’s because I love this man. I have loved this man whole-heartedly for the last 8 years. I loved him more than I loved myself, which is why I was able to ‘sacrifice’ myself to his desires and wants and needs for so long. I really, truly, loved him and he couldn’t love me back. A combination of all of his fucked up mental shit kept him from being able to actually love me. But the fact that he never loved me doesn’t change the fact that I really loved him. I care about him and I only want good things for him. I hope that he heals his mental shit, I hope that he can learn how to be a healthy person for himself and for any other relationship that he winds up in. I just can’t be the person who tries to heal him any longer.

27 thoughts on “D-day

  1. I am so sorry but proud of you for standing your ground, even though I don’t know you at all. I only had about a year and a half with my narcissist, can’t image having been married to him and then finding out about his behavior. Mine claims to be a sex addict… just so sick of it all. don’t see him anymore and hope I never do… my heart goes out to you as I too love my narcissist…. God help us. much love and light to you. Michelle

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    1. Thank you Michelle! I’ve found that it is very difficult to explain the “whys” to people who have never been in this situation before, so it helps so much to hear from others who have been there! We have a lot of good love to give… just have to find those who deserve it!! ❤

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      1. you are so right, i have a few very good friends who while never having had the misfortune to be with a narcissist, understand my love for him and how hard all this is. i am thankful for them all. I kicked him to the curb last November, he was gone for about five months and then he came back and I foolishly let him, same crap over again, and then he left… it is only been two weeks of no contact and I have come so close to contacting him many times but have been able to resist so far, i have to stay strong because I know i will crumble if I speak with him or god forbid if I see him! Thank you for being brave enough to put your story out here, it is so helpful to meet and talk with other women who have experienced this soul destroying pain… M.

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      2. Definitely stick with the No Contact… it is the ONLY thing that has gotten me through this process with my sanity in tact. The minute you let them in they just mess with your sense of reality. Stay strong girl, there is a great community out here of people who get it. You should also check out ChumpLady.com if you haven’t already!!

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  2. Congratulations on staying strong and getting through this final event with your xH. Reading your last paragraph about pressing charges … my xH hit me when I requested a separation. Marriage over with the first punch. I had a black eye, split lip, bruised ribs – all done in front of our 3 children, who were at that time 5, 3, and 2. We separated, and within 2 weeks I had filed. But the question as to why I did not press charges has come up frequently enough through the years, and I really do not have a clear answer. I cared for him deeply then, and I did not want to further damage both our lives, our children’s lives, over one regretted loss of control. You have escaped from that painful marriage; go forth and live a fulfilling, happy life.

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    1. Thank you Janelle! It is definitely hard to help someone else understand why I stayed as long as I did, why I didn’t press charges, why I didn’t have him kicked out of the military. I could never imagine having dealt with these types of things while having children around. I am so glad that you got away and hope that you and your little ones have a healthy and happy life now as a result!

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      1. Well, it’s been nearly nearly 30 (maybe 28?) years now, so life progressed. He had issues as well, but mostly a good life after the divorce and we were cordial if not close while the kids were growing up. Happy endings were separate for us.

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  3. Oh wow. That’s rich. If you stop blogging he will tell you the truth, and his side? Insinuating your incorrect. Insinuating that you’re misguided and wrong. Poor poppet you’re just too simple to understand how all the mental manipulation and physical garbage was for your own good. I hope he rots in his freedom. Congratulations.

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    1. I know right?!? He was actually hinting at the “SouthernRose Incident” where he told me in detail about his romantic getaway with a new niave girl, and then came back a few weeks later and told me he made it all up to test if I still loved him. The funny thing is I talked to Rose, and I believe what she has to say over anything he could tell me! So his little mind games didnt work, because I know the truth and I dont care to hear his BS side of the story anymore. 🙂

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  4. Congratulations for getting through such a difficult day! I know how deeply painful it is to love someone who can’t love you back! Nobody can understand unless they have been through it..Although I have had 3 separate narcissistic relationships I am now happily married to a kind and gentle man! I wish the same for you and all others! ❤
    I am currently struggling with no contact with my narc father as he has started contacting me after a year of the silent treatment!Being strong around these people is such tough work and I applaud you for being the better person and wishing your now ex-husband well! Much love to you & other survivors of such abuse ❤

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    1. Thank you Courage Coaching!! I barely survived one Narc, I have no idea how you have made it through 3!!! The no contact is the hardest part for me. My Narc made me entire life center around him with no one else around… so my instinct in almost every scenario is to reach out to him. It has definitely been a process to retrain myself but my friends and family have been a HUGE support! ❤

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      1. Luckily mine weren’t extremely nasty..2 of the relationships were a year long and the latter was 3 years but was only destructive towards me in the last 4 months..I am so pleased you have support! Keep moving forward ❤ You are doing great 🙂

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  5. It must have been such a hard day, but you survived it. A chapter closed, time for getting ready for the next one. You are so gracious in how you handled this – hopefully one day he will see that, although he just seems far from being or moving towards to healthy… Hugs to you.

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  6. Thinking of you during this time. I know how lonely it can be but wouldn’t you rather be alone and have the chance at a life where you aren’t feeding someone’s narcissism? Being criticized for being you?? I know that’s where I was and still am.

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    1. Yes! I am slowly learning to love myself again and undoing all of the damage the Narcissist has done to my self-esteem over these last 8 years. I am learning how to be alone and how to love myself, and I know I will be in a healthier place to love someone else as a result! ❤

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  7. So happy for you! Congrats for getting through a super tough day! Freedom is great! You should go out and celebrate! Or do something you love to celebrate! My parents threw me a party when my divorce was final and it meant so much to be surrounded by people who loved me. Congrats again! *hugs*

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    1. I know! I had really bad anxiety for a few days before the court date because I wasnt sure if he was going to try to pull something crazy. But ever the Narcissist, he insists that being ‘in the gray’ with me is holding him back from fully moving on with his life… and that you know ‘all my negative energy’ just clouds his life. haha.

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  8. You did it; you made it to the other side. And you did so with grace and courage. You are far kinder than I would have been. I have no feelings of love for STBX anymore; they disappeared pretty much the instant I found out he was cheating and the extent to which he was willing to go to carry on this new relationship.

    We are coming upon our one year separation date so my divorce should be finalized sometime within the next two months, I believe. I hope mine goes as smoothly as yours.

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  9. So much of what you say resonates; but I don’t want it to. I feel like I have a little PTSD from the relationship with my (very soon to be) ex husband. He left me because he couldn’t make me happy apparently. But 12 days later he told me he had feelings for his new friend (he actually managed to make me ask him about it; he literally left the sentence hanging) and I – no kidding – blubbered my thanks to him for being honest because at least I knew I wasn’t crazy in thinking that there was something going on between them (he never responded to that; he never responded to anything he didn’t like – just goes completely blank. It’s a really freaky trick he admits himself that he picked up from his parents). Then he asked me for advice on how not to hurt her. And when I freely gave him that advice because I had spent 11 years trying to be the very best possible woman I could be to him, I knew I had truly lost myself and that that woman that I was for so long had to die. He went off drinking with his new sorta gf and the next day he came up with a ruse to bring me on the same late-night walk he’d taken with her to one of our beloved spots. I was done with him then. He wanted the marriage to be over, but I pushed for the divorce after that. I decided I didn’t want to know anything about his new life but I later found out that he was dating her when he was sending me old photos he loved of me and telling me he missed talking to me because he was finding it difficult to have intellectual conversations with people ‘here’ (we’re from another country). I told him that I had no problem finding clever, amazing people to talk to. I wish I’d told him that he was hardly an intellectual powerhouse and I had spent 11 years dumbing myself down for him… When we did have contact after the split, even just to meet at the mediators, he would tell me how he would always be there for me, would always be my friend (and there wasn’t much I could do about that according to him), and when I would tell him to stop saying that stuff because he had never taken care of me, not even when I had a cold and just needed a little help while I recovered, he would nod, go blank, and repeat the same shit the next time he saw me (or even just half an hour later). It drives me nuts just thinking about it. No contact – it’s the only way for me. I know his ego is hurting because the ONE thing I have never done is ignore him, but as far as I am concerned he is not hurting enough. He told me that he has ‘regrets’ but that he can’t dwell on them. I disagree. I think he should dwell and dwell and dwell.

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    1. Sam, you are absolutely right that No contact is the only way to get through it. Every time I lose my sanity and reach out to The Narcissist even for a brief text message I regret it almost instantly. There is always some form of crazy thrown my way that then takes me days and weeks to recover from. I am so glad to hear that you got out, and feel your pain of going through the healing process. ❤

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