We filed our uncontested paperwork back in April and finally had our court date this morning. I have been anxious for the past few days leading up to this and I’ve been having nightmares. I don’t know what I was really expecting… but I wasn’t expecting to actually have to stand up in a court room and answer questions in front of a crowd. I wasn’t expecting to sit through 2 other divorces and a child custody case before getting to our case. I wasn’t expecting to feel like crying the entire time but being able to stand strong instead.
The Narcissist was late which I fully expected. He arrived at 9:02 for a 9:00 court hearing. I was there at 8:40 and had myself checked in, the paperwork signed and return envelops ready to go. He just strolled in, in his 3-piece suit and sat down on the same bench as me with a good 2 feet in between us. I gave him his portion of the paperwork, a pen from my purse and a notebook to use to write on. He seemed just as flustered as I felt.
When we watched the first divorce take place, it got to the point when the judge asked the couple if their differences were irreconcilable, and the Narcissist looked at me and said “I don’t mean to sound stupid or anything, but she’s going to ask us too… is our situation irreconcilable?” In my head I was thinking… hmmm well do you think you can heal your Narcissism, PTSD, OCD, and TBI symptoms?? Do you think you can let me have a healthy relationship with friends and family?? Do you think you can stop controlling everything in our life?? And oh wait, can you undo the fact that you’ve been fucking other women since about 30 seconds after I moved out of the house?.. didn’t think so. But I just replied with “Yes” and went back to staring at the scene in the front of the room, trying to remember the things I would have to answer and do when I stood up there.
We went through the motions, answered the questions and walked out of the room a divorced couple. There is now a 30 day waiting period for the paperwork to be final… but in my mind and for all intents and purposes we are now divorced.
In the parking lot he unloaded most of the stuff I asked him for out of his new Jeep, and only launched into a tiny bit of gaslighting. He said something along the lines of “I just have to say this because I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t get it off my chest… but I didn’t want this divorce, you put us on this path. You really hurt me with your blog and you made it public the minute you sent it to someone who knows me.” He then informed me that some of our friends from the military had seen it. When I told him that made no sense because I do not share it on any of my social media sites and have not shared it with any of his friends… he replied with “Well I sent it to a few friends for support.” So I guess he was trying to be mad at me because he shared the link with people? He also threw in the “I don’t read your blog of course, because I don’t have time for that shit.” At the end of the conversation he said that he was trying to be there for me if I wanted to talk about the truth and hear his side of the story, but he would need to know that the stuff that was happening today would stop. (I’m guessing he means the blog?) I told him in a very compassionate way that I didn’t expect him to be there for me in the future, or at all.
He actually seemed to be taken back by this. He asked why and I told him that I didn’t think it was healthy for either of us to be a part of each others lives. I told him that I wish him the best and only want good things for him, but that I just couldn’t be a part of any of it. He told me he had to respect my wishes. I got in my car and drove away. I didn’t hug him, I didn’t even shake his hand, and I only let the tears fall out of my eyes when I got back into my car. (Where I cried like a baby the entire ride home.)
Later in the day someone asked me “Don’t you want to press charges on him for what he has put you through??? Don’t you think he deserves to be in jail for this stuff??” and its been stuck in my head ever since. I answered the person the same way, I’ve just had more time to think about the why now.
The answer is No. I would never want to hurt him. I would never want to see him in pain or stuck in jail… not ever. That’s because I love this man. I have loved this man whole-heartedly for the last 8 years. I loved him more than I loved myself, which is why I was able to ‘sacrifice’ myself to his desires and wants and needs for so long. I really, truly, loved him and he couldn’t love me back. A combination of all of his fucked up mental shit kept him from being able to actually love me. But the fact that he never loved me doesn’t change the fact that I really loved him. I care about him and I only want good things for him. I hope that he heals his mental shit, I hope that he can learn how to be a healthy person for himself and for any other relationship that he winds up in. I just can’t be the person who tries to heal him any longer.