4th of July… Now and Then

My first 4th of July post Narcissist was amazing. I spent the day at the beach with about 30 friends and family members. I played with everyone’s babies and kids, I swam in the waves, I drank Sangria, I ate a hotdog, I enjoyed the sunshine, and I laughed and smiled and didn’t worry about a thing.

The highlight of my July 4th celebration was when about 20 of those adult people got together in a big giant circle on the beach to share a strawberry shot (hollowed out strawberry filled with Sambuca and topped with whipped cream).

I was surprised to smiles and tears when the hostess of the shot circle dedicated the shot to having me back in everyone’s lives, and to my independence! Every single person there (Including Mom, Dad & Sister) held their strawberry filled shot up in the air, smiled at me and drank to my independence. Honestly even thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. I have put these people through so much crazy and so much hell over the past 8 years I can’t even begin to explain it… but here they all were celebrating having the real me back in their lives. I am one lucky girl.

4th of July 2010:
This is the last 4th of July that I can remember actually doing anything with the Narcissist. We were still overseas and decided to have a cookout with all of our friends. The Narcissist and his military buddies went out to buy us a grill at the BX and myself and all my local girls were baking and playing a dance-off style video game while we waited for them. The boys came home and assembled the grill, eventually we all grilled and ate… and of course we were drinking throughout. It seemed like a really fun time and I am sure that all of my local friends thought we were just having a grand old American style party.

What none of the ~10 people at our little party knew was that my Narcissist had a secret agenda for this lil get-together. He had prepped me for days in advance to talk to all the girls about how I was into girls. (I’ll dig deeper into this story line later – but for now, lets just say I have had sex with women and men and have really never felt a need to define that as anything other than being a sexual person.) The Narcissist had used this information and this insecurity in me over our years together to get me to tell EVERYONE in our life… from our Chaplin to our local friends to my grandparents that I was really a lesbian and that the Narcissist was a gift from God himself… the ONLY man in the universe that I could actually be attracted to. He had me send an email to my family denouncing that the other men I had dated had all been a lie and a front to cover the fact that I was really a lesbian. He also used this information to get me to have threesomes with him. He always positioned it that he loved me enough to let me discover my real self by being with other women… and that he felt that our threesomes just enhanced the love between us.

So on this 4th of July, the Narcissist was hoping that I would tell the local girls that I was into girls and convince them to stay and have sex with us. When he pulled me into the bedroom at some point in the evening and asked me to tell him exactly what I told the girls… I told him that the topic really didn’t come up that we were just having fun and that saying “Hi I’m a lesbian, come have sex with my husband and I” would have just been weird he freaked out.

We were in our bedroom in our 2 bedroom apartment while all of our close friends were out in the living room and on the balcony. He was screaming at me, he was choking me, he was hitting me, and I was hysterically crying on the floor next to our bed. He said I was a fake, I was a liar, I couldn’t face the truth of who I was… I was nothing but a chameleon… adapting to whatever situation I was in to get people to like me. He told me he couldn’t love someone who couldn’t embrace their true self. He told me to cry silently so our friends wouldn’t hear me. I desperately wanted our military friends to hear me. I fantasized that the captain and the staff sergeant in the other room would bust through the door and save me…. but they didn’t. He went out to talk to them at some point while I cried in a lump on the floor. It is such a scary feeling to be so close to other people yet feel so desperately alone.

Everyone else at our party went to the beach down the road to continue drinking and watch the fireworks. The Narcissist told them that I was too drunk and just wanted to go to bed and that we wouldn’t be coming with them. He then made me get in the shower while he sprayed cold water in my face and all over me to “calm me down from my hysterics.”

Wow have times have changed.

 

4 thoughts on “4th of July… Now and Then

    1. Comingoutfromthedark, Thanks! I’ve found through the healing process that I am remembering more and more of the things I tried to forget. They pop up at random times and random things make me remember. Blogging it out is literally the best way I’ve found to process it all.

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