Random Memory: The Choke Out

As I continue to heal from the Narcissist more and more of the memories that I have pushed away are starting to bubble up to the surface. I guess my brain and my heart are finally ready to start dealing with some of them, now that the constant flow of new trauma has finally come to an end.

Today I remembered the time that the Narcissist taught me that there are two types of choke outs.

We were arguing in our beautiful kitchen on the beautiful island we lived on. I can’t even remember the exact topic of conversation but I am about 99% sure that it was a crazy combination of him being upset about my past, being convinced that I was lying to him, that somehow he felt I wasn’t giving him my best self and that he was doing his best to make me feel worthless and unlovable. I was hysterical, I was crying, I was yelling, I felt like I was going insane. I hadn’t yet learned how to work around the gaslighting and the Narcissist’s needs and was still trying to make sense and have rational conversations with him.

I guess the Narcissist decided that the only way to calm me down was to choke me? Either that or his anger just got the best of him. He put me in a choke hold… I wish I could say it was the first time, but it wasn’t. This time, I could still breathe so I didn’t quite realize what was going on until I felt the unique and terrifying experience of having my legs and my body completely give out from underneath me. I went from standing on my own two feet to collapsing in a crumpled heap on the floor instantly. I remember feeling a slight tingling sensation in my legs right before they gave out and then next thing I knew I was on the floor.

I still don’t remember what happened after that. I am sure things got worse until I somehow placated the Narcissist enough to calm him down and enter back into the ‘blissful’ period of the after abuse love bombing. I do remember that once he calmed down enough I explained to him how scary that was for me and he very casually and unemotionally informed me that there are 2 types of choke outs: one that restricts airflow and one that restricts blood flow. He had used the later technique on me. How nice of you to teach me something new Narcissist.

Years later, when the Narcissist was no longer being physically abusive I tried to talk to him about some of the trauma he caused me with his physical abuse. He never understood the severity of it for me… I mean shoot – it was nothing compared to being in war, nothing compared to what he had faced in his lifetime. He literally told me that he thinks that the reason he never realized that what he was doing was ‘wrong’ or ‘abusive’ is because he was trained to do and had actually done so much worse in terms of physical violence and even torture when it came to interrogating terrorists.

Well aw shucks Narcissist, thank you for at least treating me better than a terrorist. I guess I should appreciate that.

 

18 thoughts on “Random Memory: The Choke Out

  1. I am sorry you were treated so badly by him. There is absolutely no comparison to you and a terrorist, so to use that as an excuse is ridiculous! Of course he realised what he was doing and of course he wanted to control you! Narcissists know what they are doing and I am sorry you were so hurt by one. hugs ❤

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  2. This is very serious potentially life threatening physical abuse! I am so glad you are divorcing him! Stay strong! If you need anything, don’t hesitate to drop by!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What a load of bullshit! He’s really going to use, “They taught me to do worse than that in war,” as an excuse? I’m pretty sure you’re allowed to shoot people and blow stuff up when you’re in war; I wouldn’t advise trying it at home.

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    1. I’ve realized over the years that a Narcissist will use any means to make themselves feel better about their actions and not feel guilty or responsible for doing something wrong. This was just his way of pushing the blame on the military and off of himself!

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    1. Hi Linda Lee, I have read a lot of statistics lately that the leaving period is the most dangerous for women in abusive situations. I was lucky in the sense that by the time I had made my decision to leave, my Narcissist had already begun focusing his attention on other women. He was convinced that I was holding him back and immediately began love bombing other ladies. I was able to leave with pretty minimal drama which I am very thankful for.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey,

    I just found your blog today and have been devouring all the posts one by one. I have a question. You mention that your Narcissist would get upset about your past. Can you elaborate on that? My husband (soon to be ex husband) started his physical violence based on his idea that my past was wrong and that I had “lied” to him about it and if he had known what a “terrible girl” I was in my past, he never would have married me etc.

    Before we got married, I told him that I had a romantic/sexual past (with one person) and he said that was completely fine and he didn’t want to talk more about either my past or his past because “the past is the past.” He established this “don’t ask don’t tell” policy for us and although I thought that was interesting, I didn’t really question it because I agreed, the past is the past.

    After a few months of marriage, he started snooping through old emails, facebook messages, instagram posts, skype conversations and uncovered details he claimed I “hid” from him. The physical abuse started and he would question very specific details and at that point, I knew the answers would get me beat so I would lie. It would turn out that he already knew the answer from the investigations he had conducted on my computer and then I would be deemed a liar. Then, I became a “cheater” because if I was capable of lying about my past to him, then surely I was capable of cheating on him. He beat me because he believed I must still be in love with my ex.

    I was a complete and total mind fuck. I’ve heard lots of “reasons” for abuse in my search online and you’re the first one who mentions her past as a “reason”. I’m so sorry for this really long comment but I am still very fresh out of the marriage and very raw. I’m still in the “it might have been my fault” phase. If you could elaborate, (either personally in an email or as a reply to this) on your thoughts about the past being a reason for abuse, it would mean the world and a half to me. Thank you in advance!

    Liked by 1 person

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