The Effects of Failing at No Contact

I was doing so well for a while. I guess the universe felt the need to remind me why No Contact is totally essential to keeping my own sanity intact. I had a few really good weeks with limited strictly business text messages and the one time he had to drop off some important paperwork I unlocked my car from the window and had him leave it there.

On Monday I sent the Narcissist a strictly business email. We just got the letters in the mail from the court house with the date of our divorce hearing. I also just completed something financially that we had agreed upon. So I sent him the info in an email, and asked for him to bring a few of my belongings that were still at the house with him to the court house so we could finalize everything then. The next day he texted and said he had a few things he needed to talk about and wanted to call. I agreed to a lunchtime call today… and I have seriously been regretting it from about 2 minutes into the phone call.

The Narcissist talked for almost 45 minutes straight, with no breaks in between. Literally the only words I spoke on the entire phone call were… hi…yes I can hear you… ok….ok….no i think thats everything I needed… ok…. bye. For the rest of the phone call I guess the Narcissist decided he needed to mind-f*ck me one last time. You see I stupidly assumed that the things he wanted to talk to me about were things required to finalize our divorce, or had to do with the things I asked him for from the house… but no, nothing of the sort. I can’t remember all 45 minutes worth of wording, but I will do my best to provide the highlights and real gems of the conversation.

“I’m glad you agreed to speak with me because I really wanted to provide you with the truth and there is something that I need to apologize to you for. I know that you didn’t ask for the truth, but I feel that you deserve it. But whether you believe it or not, I really thought that you hated me and I had no idea that you still had feelings for me. But when I spoke to you that weekend that you watched the dog, and you were so upset and you were crying and you were fixated on the idea that something had happened that I wasn’t telling you about… and I realized that maybe you still had feelings for me, I was really confused and I did something very selfish. I wanted to really know if you still loved me, and how you felt about me, so I lied and told you that I spent the weekend with SouthernRose, but she never came up here, I never had sex with her, and everything that I told you, I made up. You see I was just so confused because during that time we talked on the phone you were so sweet and loving towards me and I haven’t felt those things from you in so long.

When I realized how upset you were and how hurt you were I kind of panicked and didn’t know what to do, which is why I came to your apartment and tried to comfort you. I knew that if I told you that I had lied to you, you would have been even more angry at me and you probably wouldn’t have believed me anyway. So I didn’t tell you that I lied. If you think back about our conversations after the fact, and if you read through the text message conversation we had afterwards, you will realize that I never mentioned SouthernRose again, I just talked about you and me… that is because it never happened. But then you were so angry and hateful at me you wouldn’t speak to me at all, so I couldn’t ever tell you the truth. 

But then, when you lashed out with your anger and acted… let’s face it… CRAZY… my feelings for you changed because I saw your true character. When you intentionally wanted to hurt me, and hurt people in my life, that made me really sad. I realized that I handed you a gun with blanks in it, and you shot me thinking they were real bullets. But I lied, so the ammo wasn’t real… but the point is that you would have hurt me like that. And just so you know, all of your angry social media outbursts at SouthernRose just brought us closer as friends… we are NOT in a relationship, but we are so much closer now as a result.

Then when I saw the way you attacked my character, and all of the things you made up about me… it was obvious that you tell your therapist, and anyone else who listens false things about me. I feel bad for you because it is obvious that you are really hurting, and you have been for a long time. It is obvious that you are holding on to things from the past. The reality is that you do not know the man that I am, you just hold on to all the things I did wrong in the beginning of our marriage and could never move past it… but the reality is that you don’t know who I am anymore.

So, I want to apologize because I realize that I really hurt you with my lie, and even though you didn’t ask for an apology, I am sorry. I know that you didn’t apologize for anything that you have done, but I want you to know that I have already forgiven you, even if you never say it. I really hope that you find happiness in life, I know that you can be happy and successful and have everything you want out of life. The key is that you have to chose love, always. All good things come from love. .. and just so that you know, even with all of the terrible things you did to me… I still felt like a little piece of me died when I saw the divorce date come in the mail.”

I literally got off the phone and have been battling with myself ever since. First of all I feel like a moron for breaking my own rule and allowing the freaking vampire back in my mental house to mess with me. Secondly I am feeling pretty proud of myself for processing and managing the anger that came along with all of this. There were many things that I wanted to yell out loud at him, argue with him about, write raging words about, even call SouthernRose herself and find out what really happened. But instead I just breathed. I listened to him speak for the entire 45 minutes, and I didn’t even talk… I didn’t let my blood boil… I took deep breaths and reassured myself that I am safe.. and nothing he does can affect how I feel anymore. Third… the mind f*ckery has been non-stop ever since we got off the phone. My brain is going 5 million miles per hour with questions like “did the SouthernRose incident really happen?” “Is he just trying to make it seem like it never happened so he can feel better about himself?” “how on earth did he make up so many details on the spot without me asking any questions if it was all a lie?” “If he is that damn good at lying than I need to start questioning a lot of other things from our marriage!” and so on and so on.

So here I am at 11:15 PM with a few realizations and life lessons for you. I came pretty close to reaching out to SouthernRose on several occasions today… but I didn’t, because I realized it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if he did, it doesn’t matter if he didn’t, it doesn’t change a thing. That weekend was my rock bottom mentally and emotionally and through that experience I found the strength I needed to really start my healing process at warp speed. If he lied about it and that was the catalyst I needed… so be it. I also came really damn close to texting / calling / emailing him several times… but I didn’t. Every time I got the urge.. I reminded myself that this is part of the control and the gaslighting and the crazy that comes with Narcissists. On some level, even if it was subconscious he intentionally gave me bits and pieces of information without giving me all of it… knowing that it would drive me crazy, and maybe assuming that I would contact him with questions, anger, frustration, tears, something. But I am not that weak.

So, let’s re-start the no contact clock because now I remember exactly why it is detrimental to my health and well being to have any interaction with the Narcissist.

12 thoughts on “The Effects of Failing at No Contact

  1. Way to go on realizing what he was doing though! You are so strong! He reminds me so much of my ex. >.<
    Reminds me when I was going through my divorce. I wanted all contact through email but he insisted we talked on the phone. It was the hardest and biggest test. I acted calm and collected and acted like nothing bothered me. I remember him saying something how he had a life insurance policy he never put me on because he couldn't have me knowing about that implying I would do something to him for it. Made me so mad but I somehow kept my cool. Luckily that was the only phone call. No contact has been my saving grace. Out of sight out of mind.

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    1. It drives me crazy! Even when we were on the phone he was like “I think you’re right, its probably best that we don’t talk at all” and its like NO KIDDING.. that is why I attempted to handle this stuff through email! ugh. It was clear that the entire phone call was for his own benefit. I’m sure he slept well last night getting all of that off his chest. He didn’t even care or want to know what I thought about any of it, so it was clear it was just for his sake!

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      1. They’re so delusional. Everything that’s reality is just flipped backwards. It drives me crazy too! But you seemed to have handled it well! I always felt like the conniving words throughout divorce was just reinforcing that I made the right decision.

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  2. It is ok to go backwards sometimes and make mistakes on the ‘no contact rule.Like you said, it reminded you ‘why’ you have to stay away as it is so toxic for you. There is never closure with a narcissist. You have to do it for yourself by protecting yourself and moving on. It hurts like hell but you are very aware and that is what counts!I wish you more strength and send you a big hug at this difficult time!

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    1. Thank you Courage! The no closure thing is what really kills me, I would love to walk away from this situation feeling like we have both reached an understanding… but you can’t have a conversation with crazy, and you can’t ever get a Narcissist to admit to their faults and wrong doings… so I just gotta know that I am right, I am sane, I am healthy, and I deserve better!!

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      1. I can completely relate to the No closure feeling. It is really is horrible. I had the same problem with 2 narcissistic parents..Just had to accept that I am sane and they aren’t! I’m sorry for your pain!

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  3. I remember my friend’s narc husband doing the exact same. He phoned her trying to convince her for 30 minutes of how good family they were, how the ow sucks (lol).. etc. All just trying to mind fuck.

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  4. OUTSTANDING!!

    Unfortunately we’re still in the same house, so I can’t go completely NC but rather have to do my best Gray Rock, especially in front of our daughters. But I too have stumbled and gotten sucked into the mindfuck vortex, and beaten myself up over it.

    I have a long-time friend and fellow chump who is going through a similar situation, and she reminded me: “Don’t ever apologize to anyone, including yourself, for having a human response to someone trying so hard to manipulate your mind and heart. Perfection is not the goal here. The goal is to recognize what she’s doing when she’s doing it, and just become gradually more adept at not letting any of it get to you — or, at minimum, not to let her think it’s getting to you.”

    Great stuff DNB — I’m going to set aside some time to binge-read these.

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    1. Thank you!! It is so strangely comforting to know that I am not alone in all of this… this is not unique to me… I do not have some magnetic force attracting craziness. I love hearing about how others are getting through.

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  5. On Father’s Day, I woke up while she was at the gym and before our daughters got up. There was a card with my name on it sitting on the top of her dresser.

    I knew what her plan was: give it to me when the girls were giving me their cards and presents. Then when I just took it and walked away, she could point to me as the ‘hopelessly angry Dad’ who can’t even accept a simple card without bitterness. “Daddy’s just really angry, girls . . .”

    I took it and hid it. Fortunately, the girls got up and gave me their cards and presents before she got home, so it turned out to be a non-issue.

    But then the question: what to do with the card she got me? Open it or toss it without opening? It came down to a simple question: What are the odds that there is anything in here that will make me understand this fucked up situation any better or more clearly? The answer of course was “Zero.” To borrow from Chump Lady: throwing it out was the only viable option for getting closer to Meh.

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