My Narcissist was VERY good at ‘spoiling’ me and it has taken me a long time to see how these actions were never actually about me and giving me what I needed or what I wanted. While you may feel special throughout the Love Bombing stage, the sad reality is that every single thing that a Narcissist does serves them somehow… it is NEVER about you.
Every single thing was a way to manipulate me or shape me into the person that he wanted me to be to fuel his ego. In the very early days, shortly after we first met, the Narcissist went hot and heavy with the gifts, special treatment etc.
- 2 days after our first date, he used the address on my business card to send me an elaborate flower arrangement to my office. He hand selected the flowers from a high-end florist and wrote a sweet and sappy note on the card.
- While I sure felt special and spoiled and the center of attention – the Narcissist’s underlying motivation for doing this was the let my entire world know that I was off the market. It fed his ego to hear about all of the comments I got from co-workers about his flower arrangements, all of the other women who said – “oh he’s a keeper!”
- A few weeks into our fast and furious relationship, I was on a business trip in San Diego. Right before I came home, the Narcissist worked with my sister to get into my apartment. He covered my bed in rose petals, and left me a stack of gifts… which included several boxes of lingerie from Victoria’s Secret, and a diamond necklace.
- Again, I felt like I was in a scene from a cheesy chick-flick and could not believe that this was real life. I had never been given diamonds from a man I was dating let alone a man I was dating for 2 weeks. The reality is that the Narcissist wanted me to wear something from him all of the time so that I had another outlet to talk about him and how great he was and signal to everyone that I was his. He also wanted me to wear the lingerie… duh.
- Before he left for his deployment (and only 8 weeks into ever knowing one another) the Narcissist surprised me with a weekend getaway to a romantic bed and breakfast in a resort destination nearby. He pulled out all the stops, he ordered a cheese plate and champagne for us, he had chocolate covered strawberries, he had planned food and drink and music, and he had bought me a special lingerie outfit to wear for the occasion. To top it all off, the Narcissist presented me with a diamond infinity wedding band on our trip. He essentially ‘proposed’ to me by asking me to be his, and be faithful and be waiting for him to return from his deployment. We spent the weekend having crazy sex, going out to fancy dinners, shopping downtown, and acting like we were on our honeymoon.
- How could any red-blooded female not feel drunk in love in a situation like this?!? Of course the ring was self-serving again… it yelled to the entire world that I was engaged or married, and he requested that I wear it on my wedding ring finger. (He actually got offended when I first slid it onto the other hand.) This was right before he was about to leave me on my lonesome for 8 months, so of course he wanted to seal the deal!
Throughout this time period, the Narcissist bought me more things than I can even remember… A new laptop with a webcam (you know, so we could have virtual sex the entire time he was deployed), new clothes, sex toys, lingerie, more flower arrangements and edible arrangements (always sent to my office), jewelry, makeup, spa appointments… you name it. If it was going to make me look better, benefit him sexually, or let the world know that I was in a committed relationship – he did it.
The most ironic part of it all, and the part that I desperately tried to ignore at the time… is that during ALL of this love bombing… he was still married to his first wife. He was still sharing a checking account with this woman. The poor thing was probably expecting flower deliveries or gifts from Victoria’s Secret that never arrived!
He literally gave me a ring, while he was still married to someone else. He wrote off the whole being married thing by making himself the victim (something that this Narcissist is VERY GOOD AT.) He explained how his wife cheated on him multiple times, how he was the perfect angel in their relationship, how mean and angry she was all the time, how he never really loved her but married her because he felt obligated to. He explained that they had been living separate lives for the past year, that all they needed to do was sign the paperwork and ship her back to America.
I found out years into our marriage that this was only the partial truth of the situation. While his wife had a relationship with someone else, he had cheated on her – 3 times in fact, all while he was on deployments or trainings… which made me the 4th other woman in his first marriage. I have no idea who cheated first, or if she ever really did cheat at all. He also confessed to me that when he went home for that 1 week before his deployment… he had sex with her, multiple times… while I was wearing his ring.
It’s interesting how when you look back on things with a fresh perspective you can see things for what they really are. I shouldn’t be surprised with the Narcissist’s quick attempts to dive into another relationship with someone young and naive… I shouldn’t be surprised that hes doing some of the exact same things with her that he did with me… and I should expect that he has written me off as the crazy one. I’m absolutely sure that he is telling his next target that he is the victim and that we led separate lives for long, that I treated him terribly, that I never loved him the way he deserved and shoot – he’s probably accusing me of cheating on him.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, or if you are in a situation like this now… look into “Love Bombing.” Narcissists are not the only ones who use this technique! I have included a few articles below that I found very helpful.