It’s been 2 months since I moved out of the house. The paperwork has been filed (at immediate request of the narcissist because he can’t feel like he is stuck and not moving forward) but the court date has not been finalized yet. Technically I am still married to the narcissist… married for 7 years and 5 months. At this point, I’m still an emotional wreck. The realization that there was no way I was going to fix this man and have a happy life was still one that was difficult to swallow. Even tougher was that I had invested over 8 years into this man with nothing to show for it except a whole host of emotional trauma that my poor therapist has barely scratched the service with.
The narcissist had been through a rough week, and was planning to take a long weekend to visit with some of his friends and he asked if I could watch the dog for a few days. I was feeling a bit sad because I just finished fostering a puppy who found his forever home… leaving me alone in my apartment with nothing else to focus on, so I jumped at the opportunity to take the dog.
He very obviously did not provide any details about where he would be going or what he would be doing. When I asked he simply said that he would be “around the area, but not staying at the house.” Something was obviously up, but I didn’t care enough at the time to pry. I picked up the dog on Thursday during my lunch break. He was running late and seemed to be in a bit of a panic to get himself ready, so I grabbed the dog, her gear, and ran.
By Saturday morning I hadn’t heard a peep from him through text which was a bit unusual. I sent him a text picture of the dog and let him know that she was doing well. He talked with me on text for a while, explained that he was having a good weekend, that he actually ate some Gluten for the first time in almost 5 years and didn’t die. [I need to stop here and do a bit of background explaining for context. The narcissist is absolutely OCD about all things that have to do with his physical appearance, health and wellness. The narcissist works out on vacations, he received an award from MyFitnessPal for tracking everything he ate for 500 days in a row, he doesn’t EVER eat gluten, dairy, processed foods, etc., he takes over 100 vitamins and supplements a day… every single day. It is one of the many things that brought our marriage to a point of no return.. there was never any flexibility with the diet, the exercise, and the appearance.] So the fact that the narcissist was able to loosen up enough to eat something with gluten in it was literally a major life event.
On Sunday he called in the afternoon and offered to bring me some groceries, he said he wanted to come over and talk. I asked what he ended up doing for the weekend and he immediately got irritated with me and said that we were still developing our friendship and he didn’t think I was ready for that information. Naturally, all I wanted from that point on was to know what he had been up to all weekend. After about 4 hours of talking on the phone.. you know “developing our new friendship” he finally spilled the beans. He had spent the weekend at a bed and breakfast with a girl that he met playing Playstation online. They went out for Sushi.. and they had sex… twice. While all of this felt like a giant kick in the stomach, the most narcissistic parts of it came afterwards. After he went on and on about how this girl is cute, but not hot (he actually explained that with a makeover and a new wardrobe she could be great!), and he was concerned that she wasn’t “at his level” with her motivation and success – yet he was happy that she wanted to grow and learn from him.
Then he launched into the fact that he was extremely concerned about his future relationships and that he would never experience sex as great as we had it. Apparently the girl he spent the weekend grew up in some whacky Christian isolation and never even masturbated. She couldn’t have an orgasm and he felt extremely unsatisfied and I am sure insecure (but the narcissist would never admit to that.) He then wanted my reassurance that “he wasn’t a bad person” for having feelings for this new girl and still fantasizing about having sex with me.
When I reached my breaking point in the conversation and basically lost the ability to continue feeding his black hole of an ego, I just started yelling at him. I couldn’t believe he was heartless enough to have me babysit the dog for him while he took off for a romantic weekend with another girl. He also took this girl to a bed and breakfast in an area which was close to where we got married… at a bed and breakfast. He also took her for Sushi which was our favorite thing to do together. (Do you think someone was trying to intentionally hurt me??) I was so hysterical he showed up at my house. In my moment of ugly-crying and desperately needing to feel like I was somehow more important than this other girl, I let the vampire through the door.
While I was ugly-crying, and he was comforting me… he rapidly began seducing me and before I knew it I was naked and making out with him, about to crawl into the bed. His energy, his charm.. it is seriously intoxicating. I feel like this man is my kryptonite. Thankfully, the universe stepped in long enough for all of my horny hormones to subside and I was able to see through the fog and ask myself what the hell I was about to do. I told him I couldn’t have sex with him and started ugly crying on a whole new level. The reality of how pathetic I was being set in, and I couldn’t handle myself. He attempted one last time to “comfort me” and eventually stormed out of the house.
While he was gathering his belongings, he was ranting about how I was “choosing anger and not choosing love” and that I “didn’t have to go through this alone, that we could make it easier on one another.” He actually left the house upset with me because I wasn’t “listening to my heart” and having sex with him.
When all was said and done, I couldn’t figure out what I was most upset about – the fact that he had absolutely no regard for my feelings, the fact that it was so easy for him to move on, the fact that he was dating another woman while we were still married, the fact that he thought he could come over and use me for good sex after his sexy weekend turned out lackluster, or the fact that he was able to loosen up his OCD enough to not workout for 4 days and to eat gluten filled french toast.
I am pretty sure that says something significant about our marriage.